Scientists discover prehistoric nightmare shark with snake head and 300 teeth
The ocean covers seventy percent of the planet's surface, and we've only explored five percent of it. There's no telling what crazy creatures lurk in those mysterious, murky waters. Not even those uber nerds James Cameron, Sir David Attenborough and Spongebob Squarepants know. But every so often one of these strange, nightmare creatures pops up from the abyss to terrify us (and inspire a terrible SyFy movie).
Now is one of those times. If you're planning on taking a vacation to Portugal, or anywhere where there is an ocean, or water, cancel your trip immediately. If you go, you will be eaten by this prehistoric shark, who looks like the unholy offspring of the cosmic entity Cthulhu and the Reddit Troll Guy meme. Behold its evil grin, and surrender your soul!
It's called the frilled shark, and measures about five feet long. Much like Breitbart chairman Steve Bannon, it has a slimy, snake-like body and over 300 pointy teeth. Specimens are rarely seen by experts, because their natural environment is deep sea areas (3,200 feet underwater) off the coast of Australia, New Zealand and Japan. Its hobbies include eating you, eating you and eating you. And also, eating you.
Researchers found this particular frilled shark swimming near the south coast of Portugal. A team of scientists were aboard a trawler, on a project to "minimize unwanted catches in commercial fishing." But clearly, they offended the gods, so they ended up catching this freak from a Guillermo Del Toro fever dream.
The term "prehistoric" isn't an exaggeration. According to scientists, fossilized remains of this abomination go back 80 million years. Portugal's Institute For The Sea And Atmosphere has called it a "living fossil," much like Keith Richards.
The frilled shark got its name from it's frilled arrangement of 300 horrible demon teeth. Also,"FRILLED" is an acronym for F-cking Run It's Lucifer's Loathsome Evil Dragon-beast. Professor Margarida Castro of the University of the Algarve says when the frilled shark is not trying to kill you, it tries "to trap squid, fish and other sharks in sudden lunges".
Pictures of the frilled shark were posted to subreddits like "Nature Is F---ing Lit" and "Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn." The image quickly went viral, getting over 20,000 upvotes and 30,000 descents into madness. But this isn't the first "monster of the deep" to pop up recently.
Last June, Australian researchers found a "faceless fish" that had last been seen over a hundred years ago, presumably in the Necronomicon.
In 2016, scientists uncovered remains of a new species of mega shark, related to the 60 foot Megalodon. In case you're not familiar, the Megalodon makes great white sharks look like goldfish.
Also, an episode of Blue Planet 2 spotlighted the nightmarish Bobbit Worm, a "giant carnivorous worm with a jaw as sharp as daggers" that can "cut its prey clean in half."
And yes, it's named after Lorena Bobbit, who famously chopped off her husband John's penis in 1993. Thanks for asking.
Sorry for ruining your vacation, but you had to be warned. First the Chicago Cubs won the World Series, then Donald Trump became President and now the frilled shark is surfacing. If I'm not mistaken, that's the three signs of the apocalypse. Oh well. We had a good run.