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Kim Jong-Un is spending all his 'illegally made billions' on crazy things

Kim Jong-Un, it's fair to say, is young, rich and famous. Yes, he's a ruthless dictator who rules his own people with an iron fist, but the sad and sorry truth is that if any of us were born into the role of a mythically-exalted monarch in an isolated country that worships you, odds are we'd all fall for it and start living the lifestyle.

After all, what's the goal of hip hop? YouTube stardom? Instagram or Twitter fame? The fantasy of owning a Rolls-Royce one day? Our entire mass consciousness is driven by the naive optimism that we can own more and more, gain the most followers, and have the richest apartments. After all, that's the ethos of Donald Trump - to have the biggest crowd.

It's the disease of wealth itself, and we're all the gears and sparks of its all-consuming engine. Enter Kim Jong-Un, who is somewhat like a SoundCloud rapper mixed with a 14th century tyrant. He's buddies with Dennis Rodham, he drinks himself silly, and his wife was a pop singer whom he simply 'chose' one day. They've been married ever since.

alt Credit: Tengrinews

While his 25 million countrymen mostly starve, Un allegedly rides his philosophy, known as Juche, straight into the bank.

According to the Daily Mail, his government makes the bulk off its cash from hacking foreign banks, selling crystal meth, and selling endangered animals. Yeah, he's an absolute madman. What would it be like to be a North Korean meth cook, I wonder? All the profits go straight to the royal coffers.

So what does he spend the cash on, besides his fledgling nuclear program?

Kim Jong-Un's belly may resemble something of a drum of cheeses, and so it comes as no surprise that he doled out $87,000 last year in imported cheese. He's also a booze fiend, so he forked over a million dollars on alcohol last year to boot.

alt Credit: The Independent

But here's where it gets truly nuts. He spent $3.5 million on foreign lingerie. Why? Well, for his 'Pleasure Squad', a massive harem of North Korean women who are plucked and groomed from the nation's classrooms at ages as young as 13 years old, to pleasure King Jong-Un and his royal goons.

Fine champagne, horses, make-up and German hair-care products apparently also made up a significant portion of his expenses. Just imagine it: selling an endangered peacock in a cage, plus a pound of meth, to afford panties for underage mistresses at drunken sex parties while you develop a nuclear weapon in your backyard.

The sad thing is that this is probably the dream life for hundreds of millions of people. Everyone would rather be Kim Jong-Un than work for 60 years in some thankless corporate ladder.

alt Credit: BBC

Apparently though, this lifestyle is slowly killing him. King Jong-Un has gout as a result of his relentless partying, and is reportedly on steroids to bolster his body. How long will he last? No one can be certain.

North Korea is a unique foray into the weirdest excesses and ultimate emptiness of power, a place that you'd never believe was for real - but it is. It's like our fever dream of modernity come crashing back into medieval squalor - all in this tiny peninsula, with 25 million citizens as the hostages.

  • Sep
  • 27 shares
  • Alexander Blum