As a former Spice Girl and judge on the X Factor, Mel B looked like she had it all. But fame and fortune doesn't always equal happiness, as she recently admitted in her autobiography.
In her new book, titled Brutally Honest, the singer opened up about her 2014 suicide attempt, which took place when she was a judge on the British singing competition. In addition, she confessed that, while on the show, she snorted cocaine every single day and felt "emotionally battered behind the glitter of fame."
In an emotional excerpt published in The Sun, the 43-year-old described herself as a "sad, pathetic person" and confessed she used cocaine to get through the pain of her toxic marriage to "controlling" Stephen Belafonte.
In her autobiography, serialised exclusively in The Sun on Sunday, she writes: "I was so low that two weeks into filming The X Factor I’d started using cocaine to get me through the run of the show. To get me through living with Stephen, which felt like neurotic claustrophobia."
"On so many levels I felt myself sinking. I had a routine. I was ashamed of what I was doing, but I felt I had to have it. It was like Cinderella... back to s**t and rats. I told myself God would understand and forgive me because he could see through all the glitter and the crap. He could see me. The mess. And cocaine could help that mess. Just for now. It numbed my pain."
Stating that she would snort two lines from the moment she woke up, but never took the drug during the show, she continued: "Then I would pray, ‘God, I’m sorry for taking cocaine, but please God help me get through this day’. It numbed my pain. It lifted me up enough to be ready to fire on all cylinders and forget about everything but the show."
However, things came to a head in December 2014 when the Spice Girl took "nearly 200 aspirin pills" in an attempt to end her life. On December 11, 2014, the night before filming The X Factor semi-final, Mel B said she started popping over-the-counter pills in her London home bathroom after returning from dinner with her partner.
She wrote: "As each pill goes into my mouth, I ask myself: 'Are you sure?' And I take another one. Ten, 20, 50, 100. 'Are you sure?' One hundred and 20. 'Are you sure?' 150. 'Are you sure?' Behind the glitter of fame, I felt emotionally battered, estranged from my family. I felt ugly and detested by the very man who once promised to love and protect me, my husband and manager Stephen."
Thankfully, after taking the pills, the songstress realized that she "didn't want to go anywhere," and rushed herself to the hospital.
She was replaced for the Saturday night show, but appeared the next day for the Sunday final in a dress which deliberately showed off bruises on her face and shoulder. At the time, she blamed a stomach ulcer for her injuries.
After appearing on the show without her wedding ring, she messaged Stephen to say she wanted a divorce.
"I’m happy I didn’t collapse, happy I’ve done it. I’ve sent my message to Stephen. There’s no going back. I’m going to leave him, get a divorce. I’m going to be free," she wrote.
If you or anyone you know is struggling with suicidal feelings, depression, or just loneliness and uncertainty, then please don't hesitate to contact either the Samaritans (116 123) or the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (1-800-273-8255).
