Hilarious obituary for the man who 'had no knowledge of the Kardashians' breaks the internet
In a world dominated by the internet, and all the "influencers" that have made a name for themselves of the back of it, it's evident that there's now a new way to grow your bank account, and it's all done online. But before the rise of the Instagram model and all the fit-tea advocates, there was something else: the Kardashian family. Yes, America's most famous family have certainly taken home the jackpot of the social media era, but the pace at which they're growing their following (and family) shows no sign of slowing down.
Certainly, since Keeping Up With The Kardashians first aired on our screens ten years ago, we have remained intrigued, and for the most part perplexed by the ludicrousness of it all. But whether they're surgically enhancing their lips or posteriors, starring in widely decried Pepsi advertisements or coining the belfie (the butt-selfie), we can't seem to keep our eyes off them. I mean, just take a scroll through your Instagram feed and you'll be bombarded with images of the Kardashians flaunting their assets and living it up in some tropical lagoon or another. And even if you were to delete the photo-sharing platform, just one quick walk to your local corner shop would bring you face-to-face with tabloid newspapers featuring the Kardashians/Jenners.
And that's why it's so bizarre that one man died in the 21st century with "no knowledge of the Kardashians".
71-year-old Terry Wayne Ward died on Tuesday at Southlake Methodist Hospital, but his daughter, Jean Lahm, ensured that her father went out with a bang. Speaking to the Chicago Tribune, Lahm told the publication that she wanted to present her father, who was a Vietnam veteran, as an "everyday guy" who loved to make people laugh.
Ward's obituary portrays him the kind of guy who "borrowed" things from work and loved to spend time at the local watering hole, having a beer, or several. "He couldn’t give a damn about most material things, and automobiles were never to be purchased new," Lahm wrote of her father. "He never owned a personal cell phone and had zero working knowledge of the Kardashians."
Read the entire obituary below:
"Terry Wayne Ward, age 71, of DeMotte, IN, escaped this mortal realm on Tuesday, January 23rd, 2018, leaving behind 32 jars of Miracle Whip, 17 boxes of Hamburger Helper and multitudes of other random items that would prove helpful in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
"Terry is survived by his overly-patient and accepting wife Kathy, who was the love of his life (a fact she gladly accepted sympathy for during their 48 years of marriage). He is also survived by daughters Rebecca (William) Hines and Jean (Jeff) Lahm; sister, Linda; brother, Phil; grandchildren: Alexander and Hannah Hines (The Mesopotamians), Daphne and Erin Pistello (The Daffer and Peanut), Brendan and Owen Lahm (Phineas and Ferb) and Tessa McMurry (Smiley).
"He is preceded in death by his parents Paul and Bernice Ward, daughter Laura Pistello, grandson Vincent Pistello, brother Kenneth Ward, a 1972 Rambler and a hip.
"Terry graduated from Thornridge High School in South Holland, IL, where only three of his teachers took an early retirement after having had him as a student. He met the love of his life, Kathy, by telling her he was a lineman – he didn’t specify early on that he was a lineman for the phone company, not the NFL. Still, Kathy and Terry wed in the fall of 1969, perfectly between the Summer of Love and the Winter of Regret.
"Terry volunteered his service in the United States Army and was an active combat Veteran in the Viet Nam War.
"He retired from AT&T (formerly Ameritech, formerly Indiana Bell) after 39 years of begrudging service, where he accumulated roughly 3,000 rolls of black electrical tape during the course of his career (which he used for everything from open wounds to 'Don’t use this button' covers).
"He enjoyed many, many things. Among those things were hunting, fishing, golfing, snorkeling, ABBA, hiking Turkey Run, chopping wood, shooting guns, Bed Bath & Beyond, starlight mints, cold beer, free beer, The History Channel, CCR, war movies, discussing who makes the best pizza, The Chicago White Sox, old Buicks, and above all, his family.
"He was a renowned distributor of popsicles and ice cream sandwiches to his grandchildren. He also turned on programs such as 'Phineas and Ferb' for his grand-youngins, usually when they were actually there.
"He despised 'uppity foods' like hummus, which his family lovingly called 'bean dip' for his benefit, which he loved consequently. He couldn’t give a damn about most material things, and automobiles were never to be purchased new. He never owned a personal cell phone and he had zero working knowledge of the Kardashians.
"Terry died knowing that The Blues Brothers was the best movie ever, (young) Clint Eastwood was the baddest-ass man on the planet, and hot sauce can be added to absolutely any food."
The eulogy clearly hit home for many people, who wished that they had a chance to know Terry during his lifetime. Writer John Moe took to Twitter to state, "I think the greatest regret of my life is not knowing Terry Ward during his. Because he sounds awesome."
Jean added that mourners could make a donation to their local bar and "tie a few on" for the late, great Terry Ward.