8 weird thoughts we've all had, then instantly felt guilty about
A world in which we overshare every last mundane detail of our lives dictates that privacy is largely an outmoded concept. After all, when Mike from down the road feels it necessary to share a picture of his brand new ride-a-long mower, is anything sacred?
In fact, now we stop to think about it, can anything be considered truly private anymore, other than our own scrambled thoughts? We haven't - yet - plumbed the depths of information sharing that our deepest, darkest, most bizarre inner workings are laid bare to our fellow human (and thank goodness, too, for when that day comes, one feels sure, the end of civilisation will surely follow). Until we arrive at that happy day of the grim reaper's remorselessly swinging axe, our thoughts are our own.
If you are familiar with the concept of intrusive thoughts - those often offensive or frankly bizarre notions that pop into our heads uninvited, you are probably extremely grateful for this. In the meantime though, in the spirit of showing that we are all basically a little bit weird, here are some bizarre thoughts that we have all had, and probably instantly regretted.
1. "I would survive the apocalypse"
That this thought usually comes with a graphic imagining of how you'd survive in the face of incredible adversity while your friends sadly do not make it, means that this musing is tinged with guilt. But you'd definitely survive.
2. "This baby would make an excellent American football"
Clearly, in practice there's no way you would actually use a defenceless child as an American football, and when you stop to think about it, said baby probably wouldn't even be a very good projectile, aerodynamically speaking. That doesn't stop you briefly envisaging throwing it into the air in some kind of Hail Mary touchdown attempt, though.
3. "When I die, there will be a worldwide mourning in my honour"
You can see it in your mind's eye. The vicar saying kind words about how brilliant, philanthropic and well loved you were in your life. A plethora of gorgeous women gently weep in the front row, clutching each other for support. Mick Jagger takes to the stage and sings "You Can't Always Get What You Want" as your coffin is carried to the front of the gathering.
4. "What would happen if I punted this duck into the river?"
They're just sat there, prostrate, doing nothing of value, while the rest of us bustle around in a breathless attempt to make a living. What could be more stress-busting, one might think, than to hurtle towards a duck, red mist firmly descended, and punt it into the river upon which it is so apathetically gazing?
5. "I could rob a bank, if I wanted to"
It's the classic crime. Unimaginable riches, the thrill of the chase, and all the trappings of the criminal life. While in reality, one presumes that successfully robbing a bank is most likely an incredibly complex and delicately timed operation, in your head it seems the easiest thing in the world. In actuality, it would probably go down as one of the worst attempted robberies ever.
6. "What if I started screaming absurdly loudly in this silent theatre"
There's no reason to do it, and nothing to be gained, but the impulse to start hollering and yelling in a silent room is inexplicably difficult to suppress.
7. "If all of my friends were in mortal danger, I'd be the hero"
Picture the scene. Everyone you hold most dear is in dreadful peril; held at gun point or in the throes of some other existential crisis. But never fear, because you are about to swing into the scene, Tarzan-esque, and single-handedly defeat the antagonists. The reality, of course, would probably involve you trembling in lumpen, useless fear while law enforcement take care of the scary stuff.
8. "What if I slept with that entirely unexpected person I'm not even remotely attracted to?"
Apparently one of the more common thoughts we are likely to stumble upon in a moment of absent minded apathy, we've all most likely envisaged, if only momentarily, such a scenario. If you happen to be in a relationship, you might also feel briefly guilty, and a little flustered as the scene remains indelibly woven into the fabric of your mind's eye, never to be forgotten.
Hopefully, at least a few of these thoughts will ring true with you; otherwise it seems certain that I have outed myself as a complete and utter maniac. In the happy conclusion that you recognize some of these bizarre musings, then let us bask in the warm fuzzy glow of knowledge that we're all in this together.