Missionary is the second most dangerous sexual position
To quote an oft-forgotten Britney Spears enquiry on her reality television show now more than a decade old, what's your favourite sex position? Depending on your level of athleticism, your sexual experience or even your creativity, there's plenty of ways to skin a cat, so to speak, and take the Orgasm Express to Pleasure Town.
There's the 69, the Reverse Cowgirl, the Jackhammer or even Doggy Style, if you're up to it. We are, after all, nothing but mammals, so let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel.
One ostensibly boring sex position however, has been identified as one of the most perilous ways to perform the no-pants dance.
If you're not very experienced in the bedroom, missionary is more often than not the position you'll employ to make your first steps into the world of copulation. Staring deep into your partner's eyes as you do the business, missionary can be a very intimate deed indeed, but it's also become synonymous with marriage ennui.
It's funny, then, that having sex in the missionary position could actually end in tears unrelated to the slow and agonizing decay of your doomed relationship.
A new study by the Journal of Impotence Research looked at the relationship between different sexual positions and "penile fractures", to find out which kind of lovemaking was most likely to result in some very painful L-shaped penises.
They gathered data from as many as 90 men who had suffered a penile fracture, with an average age of 39 years old. They then sorted those very unfortunate gentlemen into six categories of doomed bedroom activity: "(a) masturbation or penile manipulation; (b) ‘man-on-top’ position; (c) ‘doggy style’ position; (d) ‘woman-on-top’ position; (e) blunt trauma; and (f) ‘rolling over’ fracture."
Of those six categories, there were two clear winners when it came to seriously breaking your penis, with "winners" being used as loosely as possible in this context.
With a staggering 41 per cent, Doggy Style was by far the most common way the men were decidedly bent out of shape. You might be surprised to learn that Missionary was in second place, with one in four of the men in the study having broken their penis. The study's authors also commented on the severity of the breaks, saying that Doggy Style also produced worse breaks.
"We do not observe differences between the severity of the penile fracture between the ‘doggy style’ and ‘man-on-top’, but the ‘doggy style’ had more severity of penile fracture when compared with ‘woman-on-top.’"
Going further down the list, "woman-on-top" (known colloquially as the "cowgirl" method of lovemaking) was next most dangerous, which happened 10 per cent of the time.
So there you have it, folks. People might ridicule you as having a boring sex life for performing missionary all of the time, but it's a technique apparently fraught with danger. So next time you find yourself in the missionary position, congratulate yourself on being such a badass, thrusting nonchalantly in the face of danger. Also, please try not to break your penis.