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Tequila Makes Bones Stronger, According To Science

There are a lot of things you can do to build a healthy lifestyle. Eat six servings of fruit and vegetables a day. Get eight hours of sleep every night. Work out for at least thirty minutes, five days a week. And start every day with shots of tequila.

According to a study by scientists in Mexico, the minerals in tequila can improve bone strength and density. And here I was, wasting all these years drinking milk. I remember when I was growing up, my parents always said to drink milk, and served it with every meal. In school, my teachers said that too, and encouraged us to drink at three glasses of milk a day. Well, it turns out that advice was horrible. I should have been chugging Patrón.

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Who knew tequila could have health benefits? Obviously, there's only one way that scientists could reach this conclusion: getting mice drunk. Tequila's made from from the blue Agave tequilano plant, which contains fructans (polymers of fructose molecules). When consumed by mice, these fructans improved their body's absorption of calcium and magnesium. The only downside is all the mice drunk dialed their exes, ate some crappy food at Taco Bell, and/or had regrettable one night stands.

Of course, eating fructans is not the same thing as drinking shots of tequila. But I'm going to pretend it is, because I really like the idea of scientists getting mice drunk. But they should stop giving alcohol to Timothy Mouse from Dumbo. He has a serious problem.

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Here's a more detailed explanation, with a bunch of weird words you won't understand:

"The 2016 study found that substances in the blue Agave tequilano plant, which is used to make tequila, improve the body’s absorption of calcium and magnesium.

As reported by Science Daily, both minerals are essential to maintaining good bone health. The study, conducted by the Center for Research and Advanced Studies in Mexico, found mice that ingested agave fructans produced 50% more osteocalcin, which is a protein that signifies new bone production, than mice that did not.

The leader of the study, Dr. Mercedes López, said “The consumption of fructans contained in the agave, in collaboration with adequate intestinal micriobiota, promotes the formation of new bone, even with the presence of osteoporosis.”

There you have it - an excuse to start your day with a healthy chug of Don Julio! Well, not really. A report from Harvard warns that the positive effects of tequila are outweighed by negative effects: the impacts of alcohol and sugar on the body, and not remembering not how you ended up naked in a dumpster. Before tequila can really be recommended for health, more research is needed. Thanks a lot, buzzkill Harvard scientists. You ruin everything!

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Hopefully scientists discover more health benefits from alcohol. Maybe whiskey can cure heart disease, and vodka can cure asthma and rum can cure diabetes. That would be great for humanity, and would help justify my drinking habits. I think I'll go the bar to do some research.