11 Unlucky singletons reveal their worst first date stories

So last week brought with it one of the most absurd news stories of all time involving a first date, a poo, and a woman getting trapped between two windows, which if you haven't read it; you can do here.

It was pretty cringey stuff and in light of the horror show, I decided to scavenge through the internet (mainly Reddit) for some of the worst first date stories of all time. Fortunately for you lot, I've rounded them up into one horrific list; take a look at it below:

1. The fine line between cute and stalker

"I went out with a guy who I kept seeing on the subway during our commute early morning. We kept making making eye contact and he would always sit or stand next to me, so I gave him my number at some point.

"We went to a happy hour with margaritas and let me tell you, the margaritas were the best part of the date. First off, within five minutes, he started touching my legs. Now, not just like a nice soft pat, but we talking inner thigh.

"Anyways, so he proceeds to go on and pull up a playlist of all the music I had been playing on my phone that he saw me listening to. This may sound cute, but it was pretty creepy. He had literally stared at my phone every time he was near me and made a list of the songs to listen to.

"But the best part was last. After a long, painful hour at the bar, we walk out and he instructs me that we are going to his apartment because since he paid for the drinks, I owe him sex. He literally motioned me into a cab. You can probably guess I got out of there quite quickly."

2. Maybe a bit too touchy?

"Got straight-up stabbed. 'Friends' set me up on a blind date, swore I'd 'totally love her'. She was weird at the beginning of the date, just kept getting weirder - clingy and possessive, even though we'd just met, etc.

"Excused myself to hit the restroom (the joys of beer) and she hauled back and stabbed me in the arm with her knife, claiming I was 'totally running off on her to make out with the cute waitress'. I got three stitches, she got an extensive psych hold.

"There was no second date."

alt Credit: Pexels

3. Dick pics never work

"I met a guy for lunch who I'd been talking to on OKC for a couple of weeks. He was always so nice and charming via text/email. I meet him and immediately get a creeper vibe. But I sat and ate lunch with him, trying to be nice and give him a chance.

"Again, we are both 30ish, but he keeps making really immature sexual jokes. Like I tell him I don't like Busch beer and he says something about how he's glad I don't like bush because he sure does. I felt SO uncomfortable.

"He immediately text messaged me after I left about what a connection we had. I told him I wasn't feeling it so he sent me a photo of his dong and said "how about now?" No, even more certain that I'm not into it now, dude."

alt Credit: Getty

4. That's... that's just messed up

"Must have been when i was 21 or 22, but went to pick up the girl, and her dad was very catholic, and she was the (what i learned later) typical repressed catholic school girl who was not at all innocent.

"Well, her and her step mom got into an argument (stepmom knew she was no goodie twoshoes) and left pissed off and proceeded to fill me in on all the guys and girls she had been with, and how she once had a guy screw her in her stepmoms bed and finished the night by using said stepmoms um, penile shaped marital aid because then the fluids of another man would make contact with step moms privates.

"It turns out she was very um, mentally unstable and I kind of lost that phone number."

5. What a lovely poem

"Picked up girl

"Drove to dinner nice place

"Asks if its cool if she smokes

"she pulls out a blunt

"i get pissed off

"she blows smoke in my face

"i kick her out

"she stuck a bloody tampon to my car."

alt Credit: Getty

6. Bro's before h- ...you know the rest

"Dude didn't show up because I wouldn't let him bring his buddy. Lol"

7. Maybe she had plans for later?

"About a year ago I went to dinner, Christmas shopping, and saw a movie with a girl from Tinder. Throughout the movie, the girl was putting her hands in her pants and sniffing her fingers, both front and back. It was very odd."

alt Credit: Getty

8. Probably the most romantic gesture I've heard of tbh

"Posted this before but, I needed a date to passover dinner with my friends. He wore a vest and a news boy hat, then introduced himself with a bow and a hat flourish.

The night only got worse from there. He refused to eat any of the food because "things on the plate were touching" (It was fucking soup) and wouldn't shut his mouth during the 12 minutes of seder. When it came time for his train home he purposely missed it so he could stay the night. HAHA NOPE.

"After a movie with uncomfortable levels of hoverboob, I convinced my friend to come with me to drive him to the nearest train station. During the ride he thought was the best time to tell me he was schizophrenic but didn't take medicine because "it was the devil".

"He tried to hold my hand saying that they were small and made him feel like a pedophile. The night ended with him telling me he was going to shit on the subway and write my name in it. There was no second date."

9. Worst Tinder date of all time?

"I've only been on 1 tinder date. Now we're married. Not even joking."

alt Credit: Pexels

10. Familiar settings 

"Wound up in an apartment I'd definitely been in before. Just with a different roommate."

11. An interesting hobby

"Long story short he wanted to pay me and photograph me in lingerie from a low angle. He has a fetish for giant as in Titan-like women, he even showed me his collection of photos. He wanted to photoshop us into city like landscapes and make himself look tiny as I stepped on him. It was.. Something alright.

"I rejected the offer and he was cool about it. But it was.. Unexpected to say the least."

alt Credit: Pexels

Well, that was horrible and should probably be enough to put you off dating for a while. It won't be though, will it? You will go to bed tonight, load up Tinder and blindly swipe right on randomers, praying that one of them likes you.