'Capitalist Pig' crafts dating profile to find young, ambitious girl with a slim waist
Are you lonely? As summer comes officially to a close and "cuffing season" lingers on the horizon, are you looking for someone to kiss and cuddle as the nights grow long and the winter months set in? If you're like most people, you might sight up a Tinder profile, spending your days swiping left and swiping right in hopeful pursuit of Mr or Mrs Right.
Some people, though, like to go on more than just a photo, and for the more verbose among you, setting up an online dating profile might be the key to unlocking the rich relationship potential lurking in each and every one of us.
If you've got an online dating profile, you'll know that they can be quite hard to fill out; it's not as easy as you think to express the sentiment "please consider me as a romantic partner" without coming across as arrogant or desperate. This particular lonely heart probably leans a little bit too far to the former on his online profile, coming across as a little bit full of himself.
Meet Nathaniel Rifkin, otherwise known as Nate, a self-described "Capitalist Pig".
Standing at around six feet and four inches, he's a "spiritual" "businessman" looking for love, but rather than going on the likes of OKCupid or Match.com, he's actually built his own website dedicated to help him find that special someone.
ShouldYouDateNate.com aims to settle once and for all the eternal question: should you date Nate? Meeting somebody new online can be quite scary, but Nate is sweetening the deal by offering one lucky lady "a FREE Dream Vacation" of a lifetime. The thing is, he's not exactly too confident he's the guy for you.
"Because even though I’m offering a fun getaway wherever you want… chances are almost zero I’m the guy for you. Even if you’re a healthy, beautiful woman who’s ready to feel the exhilarating chemistry of a truly deep, enriching relationship. In a moment I’ll give you three reasons why I’m seriously not the guy for you. One of them might actually offend you."
The plot thickens. You see, Nate is not your average guy. He's self-employed, describing his chosen vocation as being "like the TV series Mad Men, but without the cigarettes or fedoras", spoken in the words of somebody who has clearly never seen Mad Men. He even provides this very helpful thematic photo, which reminds the viewer of Mad Men without attracting the attention of AMC's copyright lawyers.
The second thing to note, ladies, is that while you're probably used to loud-voiced, dominate-the-debate extroverts, Nate is decidedly not that. He's a self-described introvert, and although he's got a "big battery" for social interaction, that battery is prone to running out of juice.
"I’ve never had much of a social life to begin with. Which leads me to the second reason why you shouldn’t date me:Despite having a big “battery” for social interaction… I’m still a major introvert at heart. This solitary nature… combined with my former life of workaholism… has left me without someone special to share this adventure with."
How very tragic. In this self-starter's absorbing world, he's been left cold by his pursuit of riches and success, and now there's nobody to share his supplement empire with. If you're hoping that could be you, those hopes might just have been dashed by his third reason: apparently, Nate is not a big fan of pop culture, saying he hates "95% of what the population obsesses over".
That's okay, some of you ladies might tell yourselves. You can still talk about more highbrow, obscure entertainment such as "Game of Thrones" or "Breaking Bad", but Nate also has a pretty good idea of what he wants in a woman, expressed rather unusually in stock photos. If my Pictionary skills are up to scratch, I think Nate is particularly averse to overweight women, women who drink a lot... and women who like to attack their men with rolling pins. A big no-no.
Perhaps unsurprisingly, Nate is reportedly looking for someone with a "slender, healthy body, a reasonably slim waist, and a very pretty face". Definitely unsurprisingly, Nate's website has been completely savaged by unimpressed women online.
After the heavy backlash to his online dating profile, Nate claims this was all a part of his ploy to expose our "emotionally-unstable culture" and he says that he can help you "go viral" in a similar fashion.
Well played, I guess, Nate. You, uh... really got us. Unfortunately, his dating page is no longer with us, but if you're still interested, check out ShouldYouDateNate.com and maybe drop him an e-mail. Good luck in finding your Mrs Right, Nate!