I have a theory that kids are the worst people in the world. You're going to have to hear me out on this one because I already know what you're going to say: "How? They're so cute! They're so sweet, innocent and fun!" But... are they? Are they really?
Let me take you to hell. Let me take you to the worst place on Earth.
It's a Tuesday (the worst day of the week don't @ me), you've just finished an awful day at work and all you want to do is go home. It's a sweaty day, the air is thick and moist and it's hard to breathe. Let's say, for argument's sake, it's about 30 degrees Celsius (85 Fahrenheit).
You're wearing a shirt that clings to your skin and sweat is seeping through, changing the colour of the fabric in the process. You get to your local metro station, go to hop on the train and it's absolutely rammed full. "It's okay," you think. "I'll just slot myself here, in between this man's armpit and this woman's curly, untamed here. Yes, that'll do, perfect." You close your eyes and count the stops - seven 'til home.
One stop goes by. And then it happens. A screech runs through your head and entire body. The only way to describe it is that I imagine it's how Harry Potter feels when Voldemort is near. You hear it once and it doesn't stop. You turn to see what on Earth that noise is and there it is: a child.
Yes, a child. The worst thing in the world. Kicking, flailing and screaming it's way along your commute. The kid's mom tries to hush it but fails, this maverick isn't about the be silenced. They want one thing and one thing only: to ruin your day. To make your commute worse than it already is. There they are, all red and ugly, mocking your entire existence.
You may think I'm being over the top. You may think I'm being ridiculous. But read the following and you'll see what I mean.
On Wednesday, Twitter user @AngryManTV shared this story of how his 4-year-old daughter nearly destroyed his marriage when she accused her father of having a bra in his car.
Except, of course, she was lying.
"My 4-y/o daughter tried to jam me up today.
"Kid: Mommy, why is your bra in daddy's car?
"Me: What!?
"The Mrs hit me wit a killer side eye. She ain't been in my car in weeks
"Me: Ain't no bra in my car!!
"Kid: Ya huh, cup thingie with straps
"*we all go to garage & look in car*"
The little goblin snitched on her father for having a bra in his car, when, in fact, it was a respirator.
Twitter, of course, thought the whole incident was utterly hilarious.
So there we have it, folks: Kids are the worst people in the world.
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