The 9 types of dude on every guys' holiday
The best friendship groups are made up of spare parts. The idea of a uniform set of peers with the same opinions, outfits and exploits doesn’t float my boat. And it shouldn’t float yours either.
Speaking of boats, it’s undoubtedly the guys’ holiday when these varied characters really shine. Maybe it’s the warm weather. Maybe it’s the tropical atmosphere. But jetting off to a new clime tends to bring out people’s most interesting qualities.
1. The worrier
Born with a perturbed look on his face, the worrier is the one person for whom international travel is the most stressful. Being on time isn’t good enough for this guy and he is in a constant state of leaving. He lives in a world of spreadsheets, timetables and strict regimes. While he doesn’t relish the angst that comes with the added responsibility, he would rather liberate others of their passports than risk them getting lost.
2. The mischievous one
For this guy, no balcony is a climb too far and no road sign too solidly concreted into the ground. However, most of his hijinx are centred on pressing other people’s buttons and he has a tumultuous relationship with the worrier.
3. The drunkard
Everyone knows this guy. Come rain, shine or snow, his calling is the party. Constantly with a drink in hand, his MO is encouraging others to get as drunk as him. He is the most likely to dance topless on the bar or get lost on the way home.
4. The individualist
The individualist does what he wants. To be a nerd, you have to accept your place in society as someone who is - in some ways - inferior to others. The individualist doesn’t accept this at all and will violently defend his right to bring his entire fidget spinner collection on holiday with him or read a Harry Potter book on the beach. And sure, everyone else is setting off for the airport, but he’s got Pokémon to catch.
5. The fixer
The fixer has been there, done that and lost the t-shirt during the afterparty. It makes sense, then, that he does the organising - a responsibility which generates pride and ballache in equal measure. He is close friends with the worrier. Only he can calm his fretted nerves.
6. Barnacle Ben
Otherwise known as Cling-on Clive, this is the guy who missed his flight, who broke up with his girlfriend on the first night of their trip, or whose friends are just down the street. He will aim to endear himself to you with racist jokes, strange anecdotes and the offer of cigarettes.
7.The wannabe Casanova
Everyone knows an aspiring ladies’ man and the foreign holiday is the perfect time for him to don a flowery shirt, douse himself in aftershave and attempt to attract the opposite sex. Sadly, this combination will likely attract more insects than women.
8. The stoner
This is the guy who can’t go more than a few days without his beloved bud. Festivals and holidays are probably the only two situations where his bucket hat is vaguely acceptable and this gives him the confidence to approach strangers in search of his poison. He will become great friends with Barnacle Ben and together they will be conned into buying grass from a man named Miguel.
9. The needless liar
As distinct from a malicious liar, the needless liar is simply on a crusade to normalise lying. He preys on unanswered questions and pulls a name, number or location out of thin air. Furthermore, in a foreign land, there are plenty of queries to incorrectly answer. However, so pointless is his lying that it often goes woefully unnoticed.
So whether you’re a ticking time bomb of nerves or the drunkest man at the party, rest assured that everyone has their quirks. And watch out for Barnacle Ben. Like that unpleasant drain smell in hot countries, he’s very difficult to get rid of.
Featured illustration by Egarcigu