In 2006, Donald Trump allegedly had an affair with porn star Stormy Daniels, just months after his third wife, Melania, gave birth to Barron. And today the man is president, restoring honor and dignity to the White House! It's nice to have a commander-in-chief with some family values. How many marriages did Barack Obama have? One. And how many porn stars allegedly hooked up with Obama? Zero. Sad! What a loser.

Anyway, why is this alleged affair news? If it can be proven that the Trump campaign paid Stormy Daniels $130,000 in hush money, then he broke campaign finance laws, and yes, I know that is super boring. The soporific legal details are overshadowed by the salacious claims. On 60 Minutes, Daniels said that Trump didn't use a condom, she spanked him with a magazine, and a menacing goon in a parking lot threatened her not to go public with the affair, or else.

However, there are some questions Stormy didn't answer on 60 Minutes. For example, what does Donald Trump's penis look like? If that query's been on your mind, good news! In her upcoming memoir, Full Disclosure, she gives a vivid description of The Donald's little donald. The Guardian obtained an excerpt, and one passage has gone viral. Daniels describes Trump's dong as "smaller than average," but "not freakishly small," then compares it to a Mario Kart character.

"He knows he has an unusual penis. It has a huge mushroom head. Like a toadstool… I lay there, annoyed that I was getting fucked by a guy with Yeti pubes and a dick like the mushroom character in Mario Kart... It may have been the least impressive sex I’d ever had, but clearly, he didn’t share that opinion."

Like the great writer Virginia Woolf, Daniels truly has a way with words. Except instead of writing pioneering essays about womanhood, and groundbreaking stream-of-conscious novels, she described Donald Trump's penis. The "mushroom character in Mario Kart," of course, refers to Toad. Toad appeared in every Mario video game since the beginning, so generations of fans were absolutely horrified to see why Mario Kart was trending on Twitter. Here are the best reactions.

Sorry to say, but that last response, with Toad "hat-less," should not be considered canon. The image is from the late 80's / early 90's Super Mario Super Show. Earlier this year, Nintendo confirmed that Toad's mushroom is not a hat, but actually part of his head. He is not "mushroom-hatted," but "mushroom-headed." And yes, knowing this fact will make you irresistible to everyone at the bar.

Nintendo and Donald Trump have not responded to this breaking news, and hopefully it stays that way, so we don't have to think about it anymore. Playing Mario Kart will never be the same. Apologize to Toad, Stormy! He doesn't deserve this!

In 2006, Donald Trump allegedly had an affair with porn star Stormy Daniels, just months after his third wife, Melania, gave birth to Barron. And today the man is president, restoring honor and dignity to the White House! It's nice to have a commander-in-chief with some family values. How many marriages did Barack Obama have? One. And how many porn stars allegedly hooked up with Obama? Zero. Sad! What a loser.

Anyway, why is this alleged affair news? If it can be proven that the Trump campaign paid Stormy Daniels $130,000 in hush money, then he broke campaign finance laws, and yes, I know that is super boring. The soporific legal details are overshadowed by the salacious claims. On 60 Minutes, Daniels said that Trump didn't use a condom, she spanked him with a magazine, and a menacing goon in a parking lot threatened her not to go public with the affair, or else.

However, there are some questions Stormy didn't answer on 60 Minutes. For example, what does Donald Trump's penis look like? If that query's been on your mind, good news! In her upcoming memoir, Full Disclosure, she gives a vivid description of The Donald's little donald. The Guardian obtained an excerpt, and one passage has gone viral. Daniels describes Trump's dong as "smaller than average," but "not freakishly small," then compares it to a Mario Kart character.

"He knows he has an unusual penis. It has a huge mushroom head. Like a toadstool… I lay there, annoyed that I was getting fucked by a guy with Yeti pubes and a dick like the mushroom character in Mario Kart... It may have been the least impressive sex I’d ever had, but clearly, he didn’t share that opinion."

Like the great writer Virginia Woolf, Daniels truly has a way with words. Except instead of writing pioneering essays about womanhood, and groundbreaking stream-of-conscious novels, she described Donald Trump's penis. The "mushroom character in Mario Kart," of course, refers to Toad. Toad appeared in every Mario video game since the beginning, so generations of fans were absolutely horrified to see why Mario Kart was trending on Twitter. Here are the best reactions.

Sorry to say, but that last response, with Toad "hat-less," should not be considered canon. The image is from the late 80's / early 90's Super Mario Super Show. Earlier this year, Nintendo confirmed that Toad's mushroom is not a hat, but actually part of his head. He is not "mushroom-hatted," but "mushroom-headed." And yes, knowing this fact will make you irresistible to everyone at the bar.

Nintendo and Donald Trump have not responded to this breaking news, and hopefully it stays that way, so we don't have to think about it anymore. Playing Mario Kart will never be the same. Apologize to Toad, Stormy! He doesn't deserve this!