Jonathan the tortoise is the oldest animal alive on Earth right now
Among all things on Earth, an ancient gay tortoise may rank among the most mysterious. As Herman Melville showed us the arcane world of the whale, who knows the bizarre animal world of the giant tortoise? Coming in at 186 years old, Jonathan was born in 1831. He has been alive for the Civil War, the industrial revolution, both World Wars, the invention of the internet, and now the election of Donald Trump. From the Civil War to Trump: alongside the Russian Revolution and the Chinese Cultural Revolution, Jonathan has seen it all.
But, he hasn't actually seen any of it. He has lived each day the same as the last: low to the ground, shelled, seeing his nose in the dust, moving slowly and eating, drinking, sleeping in peace, a cyclical lifestyle with no major events but no major sorrows. He is a stoic, if we have ever known one. The tortoise is not thoughtful, but he is 'hard' in a material and spiritual sense. Nothing could move him. Nothing could motivate him. He watches history trickle by and is unbothered by any of it.
Jonathan the 186-year-old tortoise lives in St. Helena, a tiny island and British Colony in the midst of the Atlantic Ocean, South of the Congo, between Africa and Brazil, in the expanse of that southern sea. St. Helena has only one real town, called Jamestown, visible only as a small loop of road on Google Maps. Jonathan has much space in which to make his home.
Jonathan, long ago, lived in the Seychelles, a string of small islands off the Horn of Africa, in the Indian Ocean north of Madagascar. He was given to the island of St. Helena as a gift, in the 1880s, back when he was just a young sprout, a spry fifty-something year old turtle.
Jonathan, now in his 180s, has not been immune to the effects of old age. Joe Hollins, who was once a vet on St. Helena, told Fox News:
"So blind and with no sense of smell, I’m not sure he would really know whether he was satisfying his libidinous desires on top of a male tortoise or a female tortoise. He like most animals has his erogenous zones and hopefully it gives the old fellow great pleasure either way. And at 185 years of age, I applaud him. It is an enviable feat."
Indeed, Jonathan has lost his sense of smell, and his eyes have crusted over with cataracts. He doesn't see or smell, but still he lives on, dwelling the same as before. Nothing gets to him. Now, as for his amorousness, and potential homosexuality?
Jonathan has lived with a younger tortoise named Frederica for 26 years. However, in all that time, the two never mated. Now, the reason is clear: Frederica was male. All this time, the two had been 'partners', living as a couple, only to find that both were male all along. And even though they never mated, they were basically two old men sharing a house together. Gay undertones for sure.
What do you think of Jonathan, and his advanced age? Could you imagine being 186 years old, blind and without a functioning nose? It would be a strange existence indeed