5 'Game of Thrones' sex positions to make your love life a song of ice and fire
At the beginning of a relationship, sex is like a brand new, critically acclaimed show you can't wait to binge watch. But after a while, you've seen it all. Every time you hop in the sack, it's reruns, reruns, reruns.
So why not spice things up by trying some positions inspired by hit show Game of Thrones?
If you've been living under a rock, Game of Thrones is a hit show on HBO. It's based on A Song Of Ice And Fire, George R.R. Martin's epic fantasy book series that will never be completed (sorry, everyone). For seven seasons, viewers have been enthralled by the amazing special effects, shocking acts of violence, and dozens of unique characters that go on incredible journeys.
I know it might sound crazy to look for romantic inspiration from Game of Thrones. What does that mean, you hook up with your brother or sister? You murder your partner mid-coitus? You scream "Hodor!" at orgasm? But keep an open mind. If you give these positions a chance, it won't just be winter that's coming! Unless your sexual partner is named Winter. Then technically it will just be Winter coming.
1. Bend The Knee
Want to assert dominance over your partner? Tell them to "bend the knee" and prove they don't "know nothing" about going south of the Wall. And when they're done bending the knee, return the favor. After all, a Lannister always pays his debts. Oh, and make sure to tell your partner if you have any diseases. You don't want to catch grayscale.
2. Mother of Dragons
One partner is Daenerys Stormborn of House Targaryen, the Unburnt, Khaleesi of the Great Grass Sea, The Mother of Dragons And Of Having Way Too Many Nicknames. The other partner is her dragon, Drogon. Drogan, lie on your back, obey your mother and make sexy screeches. Dany, mount your dragon, turn on some fans to simulate the wind and shout "Dracarys!" when it's time to fire.
3. Dornish Threeway
Want your sex life to be a bigger smash than Oberyn Martell's head? Invite another smaller player to join your party -- and no, I'm not talking about Tyrion Lannister. I'm talking about a vibrator. Nothing spices up the party like adding a Sand Snake! But do not use a vibrator that is made out of sand. That'll just be itchy.
4. The Hound
In this position inspired by "The Hound," you gently take your partner's hand and talk about your feelings. Just kidding. You put up candles and do it doggy style. Gives a whole new meaning to "F*** the King!" But do not go full-The Hound, and hold your partner's face in the fire until it's hideously scarred. That's not romantic at all. That's just awful.
5. The Iron Throne
The Iron Throne is the seat of the most powerful monarch in Westeros, forged from 1,000 melted swords. This position is just sitting on one penis, but that's probably for the best. Sitting on 1,000 penises would be pretty uncomfortable. 999, sure, I could see that. But not 1,000. That's crazy.
Anyway, revel in your awesome power! And to add extra fun, invite your friends over to watch and chant "Shame! Shame! Shame!"
Now you have a new favorite show! It's called "Your Sex Life," and it exclusively airs on a secret webcam I hid in your bedroom. Hopefully these creative sexual positions add some sparks to your mouldy, stale relationship. Also, I hope your partner, unlike George R.R. Martin, doesn't have any trouble finishing.