The 9 stages of every relationship as explained by pooping habits

The 9 stages of every relationship as explained by pooping habits

When in a relationship, you're expected to be so involved in your significant other's day-to-day that you know each mundane detail as well as every closely-guarded secret. However, there are a few sordid details that we refrain from telling our dearly beloved, and the majority of those tend to revolve around our bodily fluids...

Certainly, when in the honeymoon phase of a relationship, the majority of us are self-conscious about about nearly everything. In fact, some women even choose to wake up in the early hours of the morning to re-apply their makeup and brush their teeth, lest their beau wake up to morning breath and/or smeared mascara. And whilst we can agree that that kind of behaviour is above and beyond, the majority of us are unanimous in the conviction that we don't need to disclose our bowel movements to the object of our affections, at least not for a good 'ol time.

But here we are. These are the nine stages of a relationship, as explained by pooping habits.

1. You don't talk about it, at all

When in the throes of romance and passion, is there any bigger mood-killer than talking about your toilet habits? I don't think so.

2. You both acknowledge that poop exists 

While it's still a tentative idea, you're not scared to talk, per se, about poop. Just as long as it doesn't directly correlate to either of you.

3. You finally realise that the other needs to poop 

The ice is finally broken, and you both have an unspoken understanding of the other's need to visit the bathroom for more than just the occasional pee. It's a big first step.

4. You talk openly about your bowel movements 

Instead of holding on for dear life, or running into public restrooms, you're now able to tell your beloved when you need to take a dump. In fact, you're even able to do it at their home, without feeling any shame. Good on you.

5. You're able to talk to each other whilst pooping 

While this is exclusively reserved for those who have crossed the threshold of long-term relationships, it's a true test of whether or not you're 100 per cent committed to your significant other. I mean, if you're comfortable talking to your partner whilst they're in the middle of doing their business, it must mean that you're super close, right?

6. You poop with the door open 

Now, this is a sign that you have absolutely no barriers, so... well done, I guess?

7. You actively discuss your bowel movements with your significant other 

Once you've broken down every conceivable barrier, you're finally ready to discuss what actually goes on in the bathroom with your partner. In fact, whole conversations can revolve around whether your diet is fibrous enough and god forbid, whether you're constipated or not...

8. You've pooped in each other's childhood homes 

If this isn't already a verified adage, I'm going to make it one: you know you're comfortable with someone when you don't think twice about emptying your bowels in the home that they once shared with their parents.

9. You've pooped out a child 

At some point, talking about your pooping habits just doesn't cut it anymore. You've got to share something real, and that's done by pooping out a child. Now you're truly bound forever.

Well, there you have it. A timeline of your relationship as explained via your pooping habits. Who would have known that your respective bowel movements and how open you are about them could be so telling, eh?