The world is ending on Sunday, say conspiracy theorists
As long as people have been alive, they've predicted the apocalypse. There are a lot of theories about how the world will end - nuclear war, a viral epidemic, global warming, killer robots, aliens that are total jerks, a giant asteroid if Bruce Willis can't blow it up in time. But all those theories are wrong. Now we know exactly how the world will end: Nibiru. And it's coming this Sunday. (So make sure to party hard on Saturday.)
Nibiru is a hypothetical planet on the edge of our solar system. It's also known as "Planet X," because that just sounds cool. You can't see it, but trust me, it's there. Conspiracy theorists believe the rogue planet orbits the sun every 3,600 years, and its "gravitational influence" can disrupt our solar system. If our solar system is Jerry Seinfeld's apartment, then Nibiru is Kramer. Is it any coincidence that Kramer's first name is Cosmos? I think not.
Conspiracy theorists have been talking about Planet X for twenty years, which their mothers say is the reason they're still single. They believe the next disruptive passage could happen at any moment, but hopefully not before the last season of Game of Thrones. During these disruptive passages, Nibiru will either trigger apocalyptic weather patterns, or smack into Earth, setting cataclysmic events in motion. They say Planet X is responsible for several disasters over the past year, like earthquakes, volcanic eruptions, and the Trump presidency.
Originally, Nibiru was supposed to cause the apocalypse between September 20 and 23. Christian numerologist David Meade came up with this date based on the book of Revelations, clues written on the pyramids in Giza and the "biblical significance" of the number 33. Jesus allegedly lived for 33 years - therefore, Nibiru would strike the Earth 33 days after the solar eclipse. (And you just rolled your eyes 33 times reading that.) Anyway, Nibiru was, like, super tired, so it hit the snooze button.
Terral Croft, a writer for Planetxnews, explains the air-tight logic for the new doomsday schedule. Please save the date!
"Global seismic activity reaches a peak in the second two weeks of November moving into December 2017. The predicted backside alignment quake event is scheduled for November 19, 2017, when the Earth passes behind the sun relative to the Black Star [Nibiru]."
Unfortunately, those nerds at NASA issued a statement about Planet X, and are total buzzkills:
"The planet in question, Nibiru, doesn't exist.
Nibiru and other stories about wayward planets are an internet hoax. There is no factual basis for these claims.'
If Nibiru or Planet X were real and headed for an encounter with the Earth astronomers would have been tracking it for at least the past decade, and it would be visible by now to the naked eye."
Oh, sure, that's what NASA wants us to think. Nibiru truthers know the truth about Nibiru. They say it's all part of a conspiracy to "hide the truth" from the general population while the "global elite" escapes to the safety of secret underground bunkers.
To quote the great poet Shaggy 2 Dope of the Insane Clown Posse: "I don't wanna talk to a scientist / Y'all motherf-ckers lying, and getting me pissed." Truer words were never spoken.
Dr. David Morrison, an astronomer at NASA's Ames Research Center, tried to explain why Nibiru is a hoax, even though he's a lying liar who lies all the time:
"If a big object was coming into the solar system its gravity would perturb the orbits of the planets, and we would have detected that long before it came close to the Earth.
The planet's orbits are very regulated, and, if some massive object came along every so often and came through the inner solar system, it would all be screwed up, the planets would not be coplanar.
The moon would have been ejected, and obviously that is not the case."
Oh yeah, Dr. Morrison? Well, it's the middle of the day right now, and I don't see any moon. Could it have been...ejected? You just want us to be distracted, while you and Kim Kardashian and Barack Obama and the other global elites go hide in an underground bunker. Well, you're not going to fool us. We're coming. What do you think we are, idiots?