Last week, a man told me he was going to rape me. Queuing at a bar after a girly catch-up dinner, a perfectly innocuous looking middle-aged man approached my friend and I. After hitting on my friend with a cheeky, but ultimately harmless, chat-up line, he turned his attentions to me with one that was even more corny. I rolled my eyes, chuckled, and turned away. Not one to take rejection well, his tone instantly became aggressive. "Fuck it," he snarled. "What I’ll do with you is take you to a woods, fucking chase you through it and fucking rape you."London on a Friday night, it was a busy pub. People stopped and stared. Even his friend looked horrified. Now, anyone who knows me well will tell you I'll be the first to fight my own corner. I've grown up surrounded by some terrifyingly feisty women, so I always kind of imagined that if anything like this happened I'd come out swinging. But I didn't. Instead of getting angry, I froze; I didn’t hit him, I didn’t tell him to go and die in hole. I just took a deep breath, nodded and moved away. And just like that, life carried on. Whether from pure shock, fear or even just having become desensitised to disrespectful comments, I got angry about the incident about 20 minutes later than I should have done. By that time, he was gone. However, I’m not alone in my inaction; a 2015 poll showed that 71 per cent of women report having let sexual harassment - which the Citizens Advice Bureau defines as "unwanted behaviour of a sexual nature that violates your dignity, makes you feel intimidated, degraded or humiliated, or creates a hostile or offensive environment" - go unchallenged. Just 24 hours later, actress Scarlett Archer attracted support when she took to Twitter to share her own experience.
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In the wake of the Harvey Weinstein scandal and ongoing revelations about the conduct of many other public figures, male and female, more people than ever are willing to speak up about their own experiences. With the hashtags #MeToo and #EverydaySexism being used widely across social media to show how widespread this issue is, it is easy to think the tide is turning. Yet the horrifying responses to Archer’s tweet exemplified the very reasons so many women do still say nothing: the disbelief of the victims, the assumption that people were “asking for it” somehow, the blaming of the victims for not doing more.
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It literally baffles me that the argument about clothing is still being made. But for the record, @Franklythis, when it happened to me, I was wearing a bobble hat, a long coat and more layers than a Russian doll - yeah, it was real sexy.
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It would be only too easy to assume that these kind of opinions were the preserve of online trolls, but a quick look through the internet will show you that when women do speak out it is all too often ill-received. The fact that in the wake of the Weinstein scandal so much of the discussion was focused on the idea that women were somehow responsible for other women’s experiences by not speaking up sooner highlights this. Even prominent public figures, such as British businessman Arron Banks and White House counsellor Kellyanne Conway expressed these kind of attitudes.
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Your keyboard is one thing, but say that to her face Arron, I dare you. Somehow, I've got a funny feeling he's never been in that position.
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It is this kind of "victim blaming" that is so central to stopping people speaking out about sexual abuse, assault or harassment. It takes guts to speak about something intrusive or distressing that has happened to you, even more so when you don’t know what kind of reaction you’re going to get. It’s easier, emotionally and socially, to say nothing and move on rather than to draw that kind of attention to yourself. Even in the workplace, where sexual harassment is specifically prohibited under the Equality Act 2010, the situation is no better. A September 2017 Opinium poll showed that over half of the women who considered themselves to have been sexually harassed by a colleague did not tell their employer. So here’s a revolutionary idea that I shouldn't have to type: how about we all put the blame at the feet of the person being sexually aggressive, rather than the person having to put up with it?
A lack of clarity around sexual harassment in law - the very thing we use to judge “OK” and “not OK” - doesn't help either. In both the UK and the US, there is no specific law against harassing someone in the street, as exists in other countries such as Belgium and Portugal. This is despite the fact that 90 per cent of British women and up to 85 per cent of American women say that by the time they are aged 17, they have experienced some kind of unwanted sexual attention in public.
I'm not saying that anyone who wolf whistles or tries to chat someone up at a bus stop should be rounded up and arrested, but by refusing to set, acknowledge and enforce boundaries we refuse to address the issue directly. Although I know that it’s morally abhorrent to threaten to rape someone, the fact that I had to Google whether it is legally a crime to do so (it is) speaks volumes about how accustomed women are to just accepting this kind of thing.
I like to think that if I’d already had a pint in my hand, I would have chucked it over that guy. But the truth is, I probably wouldn’t have; I already had a voice, but in this case, for whatever reason, I didn’t use it. Being surrounded by people doesn’t stop the flight or fight response from kicking in and my refusal to draw attention to myself is probably indicative of having grown up against the backdrop of a society that expects women to just brush this kind of thing off. In a September 2017 poll by Drinkaware, almost 80 per cent of women between 18 and 24 said they considered sexual harassment to be part and parcel of a night out. If that stat doesn't suggest a normalisation of this kind of behaviour, I don't know what does.
As much as I hate to admit it, I can also understand that the silence of the other people around me in that bar was, in part, a result of my own inaction. I am sure, in hindsight, that had I kicked up a fuss then any of the people around me would have taken my side. But by being "OK" with it, they felt that they had to be OK with it too. The fact is though, I wasn't OK with it, not at all. So the next time you see someone looking uncomfortable at whatever comment has just been made to them, feel free to step in and speak out, because the chances are, you'll give them the confidence and reassurance to do so too.
Every day, millions of women around the world deal with sexual harassment. I've experienced it, all my female friends have experienced it, and I'm willing to bet that the majority of women reading this right now have had to deal with at least one instance of verbal or physical sexual harassment during their lifetime.
Needless to say, it's not exactly a rare occurrence. So, when it does happen, it's important to report it - otherwise, it's likely to keep on happening forever. And that's exactly what Mariah Nonnemacher did. Or, at least, what she tried to do.
Nonnemacher, a 26-year-old actor and director from Arkansas, visited Paris recently to catch up with a friend. Unfortunately, her trip was ruined somewhat by sexual harassment from a member of staff at the hostel she was staying at.
On the very first morning of her trip, Nonnemacher, her friend, and several other women accompanying them were made to feel uncomfortable by a man who served them breakfast at the hostel. According to her, he kept staring at them, quizzing them about whether or not they had boyfriends, and even asking them to give him their phone numbers.
And, if that wasn't bad enough, when they rejected his advances, he took their drinks away from them and poured them down the sink.
Not wanting to cause too much of a fuss, the group of women ignored the hostel worker's behavior, and decided to simply avoid him by eating breakfast elsewhere for the remainder of their trip.
However, when it was time to check out of the hostel, Nonnemacher says she was accosted by the same male member of staff, who then proceeded to ridicule her in front of other guests.
"He said 'you're showing too much cleavage, it's not appropriate'," she told BuzzFeed News. "There were people in the landing and the lobby around to hear – it's embarrassing for one, and not that I should have to explain it, but I wasn't wearing anything provocative. Even if it was, it was very much victim-blaming – a ridiculous, misogynistic view."
This was a step too far for the 26-year-old, who decided to complain about the man to the hostel. However, the manager of the facility, Paul Benichou, wasn't particularly understanding in his response.
This was the email she received after voicing her complaint:
"After investigation, I am really sorry to tell you that ... it turns out that you were dressed provocatively with a plunging neckline. This is a mistake, because when traveling and frequenting a hotel where there are many many men, it is more prudent, to avoid any harassment to dress as well."
Nonnemacher then responded to this, saying his comments were inappropriate. But what she received after that was even worse.
"What kind of girl are you? You don’t recognize all what I said?! I am sorry, I can do nothing for you," the second email said. "You do what you want at your home, but not in a public area! My hostel is not a club to date and/or to have an affair!"
The tourist later posted the correspondence between herself and the hostel on social media in the hopes that it would warn other young women about the sort of people that worked there.
"I just wanted to warn other girls who may want to stay there", she said. "If anything were to happen with one of their staff members, they don't respect personal boundaries – if you were dressed 'risqué' it's your fault. Stay away from this place – it's bad."
The hotel manager has since stated that he stands by his claims, and essentially blames Nonnemacher for the abuse she received because her top was apparently low-cut. This sort of attitude just goes to demonstrate exactly why sexual harassment is still such a widespread issue, and how so much more needs to be done in order to stop it.
It's a sad fact of life that pretty much every woman will have some sort of story regarding sexual harassment. Even though it's 2017, and women's rights have come on leaps and bounds since yesteryear, women still have to put up with a lot of s**t on the daily. As a man, it's hard to read stories like the following, as well as the constant flow of sexual harassment/assault allegations that are currently coming out of Hollywood, and not feel ashamed of my fellow males.
Nathalie Gordon took to Twitter a few months ago to share a story regarding the harassment she received from a man while on a bus. The story feels poignant given what's going on in the news, and for that reason, we felt the need to share it to show that harassment exists everywhere and not just in showbiz. Taking to her Twitter account, Nathalie grabbed the attention of everyone with one simple tweet.
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It's safe to say that plenty of women will have known what was coming, but for men, this was set to be a lesson in gender disparity.
Nathalie began by describing a seemingly innocuous encounter with a man on the bus to a meeting.
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The conversation quickly turns from creepy to downright scary, with the man getting physical with Nathalie.
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Nathalie says that she asked the man to stop, but he just laughed at her instead. Seeking help from someone else, Nathalie reported the man to the bus driver, but rather than help the distressed woman, he simply told her to "sit somewhere else".
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The obnoxious response from the driver understandably triggered Nathalie, who went on an impassioned rant for what she expects from men. And looking at it on paper, she really isn't asking for much.
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Countless women responded to Nathalie, saying they had experienced similar cases of harassment as well. However, as with all things that involve allegations aimed at men, many males came forward to comment on Gordon's story and prove her point: Men don't get it.
One man, who seemed to really not understand how the behaviour of the offender and driver was wrong, went on an impassioned rant about how the driver was right to say "no" to Gordon's request for help, claiming that is what equality looks like and that she should fight her own battles. However, Nathalie's response to men like this was perfect:
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Despite the critics and trolls, Gordon says that she came away from the discussion feeling positive.
"For every guy saying something cruel there's 10 rushing to my defence," she explains. "They've recognised that women don't want, need or expect to be saved. We want people standing beside us going 'This is wrong, we need to find a way to stop this from happening.'"
"I know so many good men and this has confirmed that there are plenty more out there," Gordon says. "I just hope they are as vocal in real life as they are on Twitter because they have such power if they do."
It's a shame that not everyone can react with compassion when someone shares a story like this one. Rather than trolling and arguing with Natalie, it would be more reassuring to see men taking her side and letting her know that they would've stood up for her in this instance.
Many women have had to learn to tune out everyday harassment. It's become so routine for us women to be interrupted by some leering man as we go about our day that we don't think twice when we're greeted with some overtly sexual remark on our morning commute. And so we unconsciously alter our routes to work and the grocery store, deliberately veering away from building sites where we know workers will catcall and yelp. Or if we are forced to confront the lecherous male gaze, we avert our eyes and self-consciously adjust our clothing in the hope that they will just leave us alone, this once.
While men don't often experience this phenomenon, it does occasionally happen, and out of interest, I wanted to see how they feel about it. This is what I discovered:
1. Some men see it as a compliment
2. It's apparently a "confidence booster"
3. This guy thinks catcalling requires confidence
4. And this one just ignores it
5. This dude, on the other hand, wants to apologise to every girl who's ever been catcalled
6. This man's anxiety makes catcalling pretty unbearable for him
7. At least he acknowledges that catcalling is "creepy"
8. "It's awful"
9. Oftentimes people don't know how to respond...
10. The novelty will soon wear off, I'm sure
11. "Harassment needs to stop, from both genders"
12. It can be unnerving
13. To each their own...
14. Pretty much
While it seems that the majority of men feel flattered by being catcalled, we can only assume this is a result of it not happening to them on a near-daily basis. I'm sure the novelty would quickly wear off if they experienced it as much as women do.
In the wake of various sexual harassment scandals coming to light in Hollywood, many people have been asking why incidents aren't reported more often.
The answer to that question is obviously very complex, and will vary from case to case. However, in a vast majority of incidents, people tend to stay quiet about cases of abuse or sexual assault because they feel powerless against the perpetrator, and the trend of victim-blaming further deters individuals from coming forward with their stories.
That being said, sometimes people to find the courage to stand up against their attackers - as demonstrated by one bizarre incident in Brazil.
Footage of the incident, which shows a young woman pinning down a man who had been harassing her, first garnered a lot of attention when it was posted online last year. Due to the somewhat explicit nature of the video, it had to be taken down, but - because of the recent interest in sexual harassment cases and how common they can be - the clip has re-emerged.
During the minute-long video, the woman can be seen hurling abuse at a man on the floor. Allegedly, she had been handing out flyers, and the man had continued to harass her while she was trying to do her job. After becoming impatient with the harasser, she pushed him to the ground and pinned him with her foot, saying, she had been "touched and sexually harassed while just doing her job."
But that was only the start of it.
While on the ground, the alleged assailant claims that he did nothing wrong, and tells her he was simply out shopping with his wife.
However, the woman is having none of it, and shouts: "I'm fed up being treated like a sex object. Is it boobs you want?"
Then, in front of a fair-sized crowd, she suddenly whips off her shirt and pulls down the top that was underneath it, exposing herself not only to the man, but also to everyone who had gathered to witness the scene. That alone would have been a statement enough, but she wasn't done quite yet.
In a surprisingly intimidating fashion, the woman then clambers on top of the man and begins whacking him around the face with her bare chest - an ordeal which he obviously does not enjoy at all.
People who observed the bizarre interaction had mixed opinions on the woman's choice to strip down and literally smack the guy in the face with her breasts, with some thinking that her actions were courageous, and others believing that they were downright inconsiderate to everybody else present.
One woman can even be heard shouting from the crowd: "This is absurd, there is no justification for doing this. How can you do this in front of children in the city centre? You're disrespecting women with your actions."
Ironically, her words are arguably more befitting of the assailant than the woman - but that was the whole point of the scene: to show how women are held to different standards to men, and to educate people on the importance of respecting women and their space.
Yes, unfortunately (or perhaps, fortunately) the whole incident was staged by a theatre company to highlight how inappropriate it is to make sexual advances to somebody who clearly does not want them.
Fausto Ribeiro, the director of the group who created the performance, said:
"We wanted to expose and address something that happens every day to our sisters and female friends.This was meant to challenge people's perceptions and empower women with the shock tactic of retaliation. We wanted to force men to think more responsibly about their actions and the consequences."
Since the dawn of humankind, men have found it difficult to read women. As such, whether they're aware of it or not, they have undoubtedly driven countless females away thanks to some bad behaviours which have been made into habits. Now, whether this is due to the overuse of childlike banter, or something more serious like getting overly aggressive, one thing is for sure, changing your ways is never easy. However, it's something that can be done, and moreover, it's something that must be done if you notice that you just can't seem to get a woman to stick around. I mean, chances are, there's a reason whythey keep choosing to leave.
Thankfully, the women of Reddit have come together to school men on the behaviours that they find incredibly off-putting, and guys, there are some truly valuable insights in here which you should seek to address, if you haven't already. Have a gander below...
1. Being aggressive when it comes to sex
"Trying to be suggestive or overly sexual way too soon. Trying to ask me what I like sexually when I've known you for 45 minutes or assuming I'd like all the things you're explicitly stating that you'd do when it's our second or third time meeting creates so much second hand embarrassment it makes me want to vomit."
2. Comparing her to another woman
"Comparing me to other girls constantly. It's seriously not what I signed up for, dude."
3. Or rather, putting down the entire female gender
"I called my boyfriend out for this the other day. It was well intended, as these compliments usually are... But you shouldn't have to put down the entirety of my gender to pay me a compliment. Positive comments are so much better anyway. Instead of saying, "Other girls suck but you don't" you could use that chance to say "You are special to me because X" or even just "I really like X about you." That way the person you are paying the compliment to comes away knowing specific qualities that you admire about them, not just that you have been comparing them to other people. It feels shitty to be compared to other people no matter who you are, and that's the opposite of what a compliment should do."
4. Making everything into a competition
"It really sucks when it turns into a competition of achievements. Your interest is cool but I ONCE DID A THING LIKE THAT BUT BETTER. Oh, you like to read? I AM A POET AND ALSO READ ALL THE TIME but I haven't heard of that book, I am too CLASSIC."
5. Insulting your exes
"Men who say all their exes are "bitches" or "crazy". I'm not saying there aren't s***ty people out there, of course there are. And we've all dated one or five in our lifetimes. But if all the women you've ever been in a relationship with are the worst, maybe you are the problem, buddy."
6. Brazenly soliciting nudes
"Asking me for nudes or trying to send me nudes. I do not want to see your penis, it will not turn me on."
7. Only paying attention to women you find attractive
"Guys who treat women they don't find attractive like shit. You may be the hottest mf in here, but if you think you're too good to say thank you to the girl who just helped you with something or manage a few sentences of small talk to the person you just met, don't let the door hit you on your way out."
8. Depending way too much on alcohol and drugs
"Not being able to have a good time without being drunk and/or high."
9. Chronically interrupting
"Interrupting. I'll let it slide 3 times. Then I'll just tune out the rest of the conversation and excuse myself when I can."
10. Bragging about your conquests
"Bragging about past sexual conquests. Instant conversation ender."
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