6 Red flags that you're heading for a sexless marriage

When you get married, you're passionately in love, and you're constantly heading to The Bone Zone. Then all of a sudden, a few years go by, and you're constantly heading to the I'm Tired, Leave Me Alone Zone. There are a lot of reasons your sexual desire might have disappeared. Maybe you have time-demanding jobs, or maybe one of you got sick, or maybe one of you abandoned your physical body to have your mind uploaded into "The Cloud." Life gets in the way sometimes.

However, sex is a key ingredient to a healthy relationship - much like tomato sauce is a key ingredient to spaghetti. Otherwise you're just eating wet noodles. Sorry, I realize that's not the best imagery. Where was I? Oh yeah. Sex is necessary to maintain a physical and emotional connection.

Here are six red flags you're heading for a sexless marriage.

1. You feel more like roommates than lovers

When you first start dating someone, you make lot of effort to look nice, you flirt all the time, and you go no exciting dates. You feel like lovers. When you feel like roommates, you lounge in old sweats, never say anything sexy and spend every night on the couch watching TV. While it's great you're comfortable with one another, you should try to bring back the romance. Wear something that makes you feel attractive. Say something sensual. And try to plan weekly "Date Nights." It worked for Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel.

 

 

2. You're giving all your time and energy to the kids

When you have a newborn, it makes sense that the child requires all of your focus, sucking in all of your time and energy like a black hole. (I know, what a beautiful metaphor for a baby, right?) But once the kid is a few months old, sell it on eBay. Just kidding. Once the kid is a few months old, recognize that you should nurture each other too. Yes, having a child is exhausting and it limits your financial resources, but you need to engage with each other on a romantic level. Keep up the erotic energy. And if that doesn't work, there's always eBay.

3. You're not comfortable talking about sex

If you're not open enough to talk about sex, then your relationship is probably going to have a sexless period. You have to communicate to have successful intimacy. Have you seen The Shape Of Water? The mute lady and the fish-man couldn't even speak English, but they still communicated, and they had some pretty sweet sex. Also, if you feel uncomfortable watching sexy scenes in TV shows or movies, that's another red flag. You should only feel uncomfortable watching erotic scenes with your parents.

4. You stay up later than your partner on purpose to avoid sex

If you're in bed at the same time as your partner, and you're both awake, that increases the likelihood of making the beast with two backs. (Sorry. I'm running out of euphemisms for sex, and and I already used the best one, "go to the Bone Zone.") But if you go to bed while your partner is asleep, it's very unlikely you'll bump uglies. (I know, I'm really scraping the bottom of the barrel with these euphemisms.) So, if every night you're pretending to watch Fuller House on Netflix, but really you're avoiding your partner, it's time to have a honest conversation.

5. You pack your schedule with other obligations

This is similar to the previous red flag. If you're overloading your schedule so you never have time for your partner, ask yourself, are all of these obligations really necessary? Or are you just trying to avoid being intimate? Life is too short to work all the time, you know.

6. You have unrealistic expectations about sex

Maybe you're avoiding sex because you're disappointed in how it went the last few times. That is understandable, but there's no need to grade anyone by giving a rating of one to five stars. Don't create unrealistic expectations. Instead of worrying about the outcome, focus on being in the moment - on giving and receiving pleasure. Communicate to form a real connection. It should be fun, not mechanical. And if all goes well, you'll finally take the bald-head gnome for a stroll in the misty forest, if you know what I mean!. Wow, I really am struggling with these sex euphemisms. It's time to end this article.

So, now you know the red flags that you're heading for a sexless marriage. However, if your partner has left his or her physical body to be uploaded into the "The Cloud," I'm sorry, I can't help you. But they may address the issue in a future episode of Black Mirror.