Anna Dietrich says she wants to talk about her father's passing "constantly".
"It's so deeply personal, and so world-shaping that you want to talk about it all the time," she tells VT. "But no one ever brings it up first, because they don't want to make you feel uncomfortable or touch on anything painful. So it's up to you to start the conversation, and let them know that you're ok to talk about it."
The 22-year-old lost her dad on January 25th, 2019, and one year later — after feeling unable to speak about her grief openly — she and her sister, Maddie, decided to start an Instagram account called Dead Dads Club. On the page, they share images and thoughts about her father, as well as their day-to-day struggles around death anniversaries, milestones, and most recently, Father's Day — which will be celebrated on the 20th of June.
For people who have lost a parent like Anna, it is an understandably difficult time — especially as she hadn't celebrated the Father's Day with her dad for several years prior to his death.
"I definitely dread it, she admits. "Seeing all our friends and family with surviving dads is really hard. And because I hadn't celebrated Father's Day with him for some time, the first one was painful for me, because I was processing a lot of guilt and regret over not having spent more time with him. It was a double whammy.
"I wish there was a national registry that I could subscribe to where you don't see anything about Father's Day. There are ads for grills, all that manly stuff, and then "gifts for dad" around Christmas, which is super, super painful. Really, I wish I could blackout on Father's Day, and just wake up the next day as if nothing ever happened."
Anna was just 19-years-old when she lost her father, Richard. The financial crash of 2008 hit Michigan hard, and her father — who ran a car garage — was affected. This stress took its toll, and he ended up suffering from alcoholism.
"He was struggling with that for the rest of his life, and ultimately, it's what killed him," she tells me. "It's a unique way to go, because it's not like a car accident or an aggressive form of cancer. It's more insidious because it's uncomfortable to talk about, and the person you love has all the power to change, but no one can make them do it. As a child, it's really hard to understand because it feels like they're choosing their addiction over you, when in reality it's a disease that is eating them from the inside out."
The 22-year-old always had a close bond with her father. Last summer she was diagnosed with ADHD, which was a relief given that she had always found school and academia challenging. Although Richard was never given the same diagnosis, Anna suspects that he also suffered from something similar.
"He really understood me in a unique way," she continues. "And he always made me understand that school isn't the most important thing in the world, and that your academic success isn't what defines you."
But this all changed when he became an alcoholic. "I felt a lot of anger," Anna adds. "I would have recitals in school, and he would show up drunk, which I would be so embarrassed by. Eventually, I asked him to stop coming. Then, when I went to college, I tried to distance myself from him. I would only visit on holidays or if I had a doctor's appointment. In retrospect, it's really painful because I wish I'd spent more time with him. It's also had a huge influence on the way I grieve, and the things I've had to process."
In the years since, however, Anna has changed as a person. It all began on the day her father died, when, for the first time, she put her phone on 'do not disturb' mode.
She hasn't taken it off since.
"Most people walk around with an emotional glass that's half full, but when you lose someone, your glass becomes full overnight, to the point of overflow," she explains. "You don't know what to do with all of your emotions, so I don't have the capacity for things I used to. One of those things is people-pleasing. Right after my dad died, I noticed that I cared a lot less about what people thought, and I just wasn't so insecure anymore."
A lot of her healing has come from starting the Dead Dads Club on Instagram – where she can speak openly about her dad, her memories of him, and her grief with a community that understands.
"When we started it, we had no idea that there was already a grief community that existed," she says. "Lots of people have blogs that are dedicated to their parents, sister, or child, but what I've noticed is that no matter who someone has lost, the experience of grief is really similar. So I immediately went from feeling so lost and alone, to having 1000's of people at my fingertips that understood exactly what I was going through. It is very, very powerful and moving."
As our conversation circles back to Father's Day, Anna explains that she had found a way to reframe the holiday.
"I have other dads in my life," she adds. "My friends have really great dads, and my boyfriend's dad reminds me of my own in the best way. A lot of older men in my life stepped up to fill that role for me after my dad died — like when I would have problems about moving or bills or cars.
"So, there are a lot of dads that I politely and quietly celebrate on Father's Day."
