Psychologist reveals the one relationship trait that is the ‘number one predictor of divorce'

Forget love languages and star signs - if there’s one thing that can truly ruin a relationship, it’s this.

Psychologist reveals the one relationship trait that most leads to divorce. Credit: Daniel de la Hoz / Getty

Dr. John Gottman, a psychologist, marriage counsellor, and professor at the University of Washington, has spent over 40 years studying what makes couples tick - and more importantly, what tears them apart.

Drawing inspiration from the Book of Revelation’s “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse,” Gottman’s relationship theory also includes four devastating behaviors. But there’s one that stands above the rest in terms of damage.

According to Dr. Gottman, it’s not infidelity. It’s not arguments. It’s not even financial stress. It’s contempt.

"Contempt is the most poisonous of all relationship killers. We cannot emphasize that enough. Contempt destroys psychological, emotional, and physical health," he writes in The Gottman Institute.

And Gottman doesn’t throw this around lightly. In fact, back in 1992, he was able to predict which couples would divorce with 93.6 percent accuracy - and contempt was the number one predictor.

Contempt is the "number one predictor of divorce," according to Gottman. Credit: Bymuratdeniz / Getty

So what does contempt actually look like?

It’s not just raised voices or the occasional eye roll. It’s "treating others with disrespect and mocking them with sarcasm and condescension," including "hostile humor, name-calling, mimicking, and body language such as eye-rolling and sneering."

Gottman explains: "Contempt is often fueled by long-simmering negative thoughts about one’s partner and arises as a form of attack on someone’s sense of self," ultimately leading to "more conflict" rather than reconciliation.

"In whatever form, contempt is poisonous to a relationship because it conveys disgust and superiority, especially moral, ethical, or characterological," it continues. "It’s virtually impossible to resolve a problem when your partner is getting the message that you’re disgusted with them and that you’re condescending and acting as their superior."

Sound familiar? Gottman shared what it might look like in the real world.

If one partner is frustrated by the other’s constant lateness, contempt might come out like this: "Look, I learned how to tell time when I was five years old. When are you ever gonna learn?"

Or in a relationship strained by lack of intimacy: "We haven’t had sex in months. What, are you too busy flirting with that guy at work? Why don’t you just marry him instead?"

And it’s not just emotional health that takes a hit. Gottman’s research found that couples locked in contemptuous dynamics were more likely to suffer from infectious illnesses like colds and the flu.

There are ways you could save your relationship. Credit: Fiordaliso / Getty

But there is hope.

There are two proven antidotes to contempt: one short-term and one long-term.

Short-term: It starts with owning your feelings.

"Describe your own feelings and needs about any given issue," advises Gottman. "Try to avoid using 'you' statements, which can make your partner feel blamed or attacked."

Instead of accusations, try: "I’m feeling neglected sexually, and I need physical connection. Can we talk about how to make that happen so it works for both of us?"

Or: "It’s very important to me to be on time. Can you please help me with that?"

Long-term: Build a culture of fondness and admiration.

It might sound cheesy, but remembering the good times - and celebrating them - could actually save your relationship.

Couples who "glorify the struggle" and recall how they’ve overcome hard times together often reconnect emotionally. Sharing daily acts of kindness, appreciation, or even something as small as a six-second kiss can slowly rebuild what was lost.

Positive thoughts breed positive feelings - and that’s the key.

"The more positivity you have in your relationship, the more you will create positive sentiment override, which is what successful couples rely on to stay connected," says Gottman.

That shared sense of "we-ness" is what turns arguments into conversations and conflict into connection.

Sharing small daily acts of kindness and appreciation can slowly rebuild what was lost. Credit: LordHenriVoton / Getty

Bottom line? If you’re feeling contempt creeping in, don’t ignore it. Name it. Face it. And fight it - together.

And while learning how to speak with respect and admiration is essential, timing might also play a bigger role in relationship longevity than many think.

According to LA-based psychotherapist Lori Gottlieb, the ideal window for getting married - at least when it comes to lowering your chances of divorce - is between the ages of 25 and 30.

Speaking on The Diary of a CEO podcast, Gottlieb explained that people in their mid to late 20s typically have a stronger sense of self, clearer priorities, and the emotional maturity needed to grow together in a relationship. In fact, she noted that marrying at 25 makes you 50 percent less likely to divorce than tying the knot at 20, according to research from the Institute of Family Studies.

But wait too long, and the trend reverses. Gottlieb cautioned that after age 32, the risk of divorce begins to rise again. This, she suggests, could be due to people bringing unresolved baggage from past relationships into new ones - effectively punishing current partners for experiences they had nothing to do with.

So while there’s no perfect formula for a lasting marriage, Gottlieb’s advice adds another layer to the conversation: how and when you say “I do” might matter more than you think.

Featured image credit: Bymuratdeniz / Getty