Forget love languages and star signs - if there’s one thing that can truly ruin a relationship, it’s this.

Dr. John Gottman, a psychologist, marriage counsellor, and professor at the University of Washington, has spent over 40 years studying what makes couples tick - and more importantly, what tears them apart.

Drawing inspiration from the Book of Revelation’s “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse,” Gottman’s relationship theory also includes four devastating behaviors. But there’s one that stands above the rest in terms of damage.

According to Dr. Gottman, it’s not infidelity. It’s not arguments. It’s not even financial stress. It’s contempt.

"Contempt is the most poisonous of all relationship killers. We cannot emphasize that enough. Contempt destroys psychological, emotional, and physical health," he writes in The Gottman Institute.

And Gottman doesn’t throw this around lightly. In fact, back in 1992, he was able to predict which couples would divorce with 93.6 percent accuracy - and contempt was the number one predictor.

So what does contempt actually look like?

It’s not just raised voices or the occasional eye roll. It’s "treating others with disrespect and mocking them with sarcasm and condescension," including "hostile humor, name-calling, mimicking, and body language such as eye-rolling and sneering."

Gottman explains: "Contempt is often fueled by long-simmering negative thoughts about one’s partner and arises as a form of attack on someone’s sense of self," ultimately leading to "more conflict" rather than reconciliation.

"In whatever form, contempt is poisonous to a relationship because it conveys disgust and superiority, especially moral, ethical, or characterological," it continues. "It’s virtually impossible to resolve a problem when your partner is getting the message that you’re disgusted with them and that you’re condescending and acting as their superior."

Sound familiar? Gottman shared what it might look like in the real world.

If one partner is frustrated by the other’s constant lateness, contempt might come out like this: "Look, I learned how to tell time when I was five years old. When are you ever gonna learn?"

Or in a relationship strained by lack of intimacy: "We haven’t had sex in months. What, are you too busy flirting with that guy at work? Why don’t you just marry him instead?"

And it’s not just emotional health that takes a hit. Gottman’s research found that couples locked in contemptuous dynamics were more likely to suffer from infectious illnesses like colds and the flu.

But there is hope.

There are two proven antidotes to contempt: one short-term and one long-term.

Short-term: It starts with owning your feelings.

"Describe your own feelings and needs about any given issue," advises Gottman. "Try to avoid using 'you' statements, which can make your partner feel blamed or attacked."

Instead of accusations, try: "I’m feeling neglected sexually, and I need physical connection. Can we talk about how to make that happen so it works for both of us?"

Or: "It’s very important to me to be on time. Can you please help me with that?"

Long-term: Build a culture of fondness and admiration.

It might sound cheesy, but remembering the good times - and celebrating them - could actually save your relationship.

Couples who "glorify the struggle" and recall how they’ve overcome hard times together often reconnect emotionally. Sharing daily acts of kindness, appreciation, or even something as small as a six-second kiss can slowly rebuild what was lost.

Positive thoughts breed positive feelings - and that’s the key.

"The more positivity you have in your relationship, the more you will create positive sentiment override, which is what successful couples rely on to stay connected," says Gottman.

That shared sense of "we-ness" is what turns arguments into conversations and conflict into connection.

Bottom line? If you’re feeling contempt creeping in, don’t ignore it. Name it. Face it. And fight it - together.

And while learning how to speak with respect and admiration is essential, timing might also play a bigger role in relationship longevity than many think.

According to LA-based psychotherapist Lori Gottlieb, the ideal window for getting married - at least when it comes to lowering your chances of divorce - is between the ages of 25 and 30.

Speaking on The Diary of a CEO podcast, Gottlieb explained that people in their mid to late 20s typically have a stronger sense of self, clearer priorities, and the emotional maturity needed to grow together in a relationship. In fact, she noted that marrying at 25 makes you 50 percent less likely to divorce than tying the knot at 20, according to research from the Institute of Family Studies.

But wait too long, and the trend reverses. Gottlieb cautioned that after age 32, the risk of divorce begins to rise again. This, she suggests, could be due to people bringing unresolved baggage from past relationships into new ones - effectively punishing current partners for experiences they had nothing to do with.

So while there’s no perfect formula for a lasting marriage, Gottlieb’s advice adds another layer to the conversation: how and when you say “I do” might matter more than you think.

Featured image credit: Bymuratdeniz / Getty

If only there was a way to know from the beginning whether our relationship with someone would last forever or not. Imagine how much time we'd save - how much heartbreak we'd save. Unfortunately, no such thing exists, meaning many of us are doomed to date terrible people for a significant portion of our adult lives.

However, there are some aspects of a relationship that can be used as a fairly reliable predictor of the success of a relationship.

A study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology tracked 168 couples for a whopping 13 years in order to investigate which signals (if any) are indicative of divorce, and which predict a long-lasting marriage. And, over the course of their research, the authors of the study discovered that there was one quite reliable sign that a couple would eventually end up parting ways - but it's probably not what you think.

Far from being at each other's throats or constantly disagreeing over matters, the couples most likely to separate were actually more affectionate than those who stuck it out for a longer period.

"As newlyweds, the couples who divorced after seven or more years were almost giddily affectionate, displaying about one-third more affection than did spouses who were later happily married," the authors explained.

But how is this even possible?

In an interview with The Independent, dating and relationship psychologist Madeleine Mason Roantree said that, "if you think about it, it makes sense." She continued:

“Some people get caught up in the infatuation of a relationship, hence the term ‘love is blind,’ and it is known that infatuation is not a long-lasting state. Once that disappears, one has to look at what is left between the two people, and if there is no bond other than passion, then the relationship is likely to fall apart.

"There is also the danger of falling in love with an aspect of someone, knowing that it’s not long-lasting or sustainable but hoping that things will change. For example, a couple gets together in a partying environment, but when kids come along, one person does not intend to give up the party lifestyle."

Basically: the kind of attraction that is more intense than average is often an indicator of infatuation, rather than a deep, lasting connection that will still be present after the honeymoon period has subsided.

"Over-the-top emotions (and their physical expression) are hard to sustain. This type of behaviour is most commonly found in the honeymoon period, which is a short-lived phase from three to nine months," concurred Susan Winter, a relationship expert.

"Life and life’s challenges can get real very quickly," she explained. "That’s when you’ll see each partner’s true personality emerge. The person you thought you married has vanished and discontentment occurs."

This doesn't mean that you should hold back from showing affection, nor should you necessarily be wary if your partner shows a great deal of affection either. And, indeed, there are several other indicators that suggest a relationship won't work out, too - namely a lack of effort and appreciation for one another.

All it means is that relationships founded on infatuation rather than a deep, romantic connection are less likely to hold up in the long run. Unfortunately, that's not very easy to see when you're in the early stages of getting to know someone - so we're just as stuck as we always have been.

A relationship expert has shared one of the major warning signs to look out for that you partner might be preparing to break up with you.

Long-term relationships can go through lulls, but not every rough patch spells the end of the romance.

However, according to a relationship expert, there are some clear signs that the end is near rather than it being a temporary blip.

According to Forbes psychologist Mark Travers, you need to watch out for emotional detachment which tends to happen long before the actual split.

The warning signs can creep up slowly. Credit: VioletaStoimenova/Getty Images

He explained that "the heart leaves long before the body does," often without the person even realizing what is happening until it's too late, as it's an "invisible shift" that occurs while they are still going through the motions of the relationship.

Travers added: "From a psychological perspective, emotional disconnection isn’t always about falling out of love. It’s often a nervous system response to repeated overwhelm, disappointment and sheer exhaustion.

"Many people don’t recognize they’re in this in-between space until the relationship begins to fray."

One of the key signs that your partner might be checking out emotionally is that they keep the conversation at surface level rather than going deep.

He explained: "One of the earliest (and easiest to overlook) signs of emotional disconnection is when small talk becomes the main point of conversation.

"You’re still communicating every day, sometimes even frequently, but the content is reduced to logistics: what’s for dinner, who’s doing the school run, whether the plumber was called to fix the leaky sink.

"On the surface, everything seems fine — even functional. But beneath that, something essential is missing: emotional intimacy."

According to the psychologist, the subtle shift is rarely deliberate and most don't realize that they are doing it at all.

Emotional distance can spell the end. Credit: Goodboy Picture Company/Getty Images

The change means the partner no longer feels safe being emotionally vulnerable and talking about their fears or desires with their other half like they once would have done.

He explained: "When openness is met with indifference, silence or other forms of perceived rejection, the nervous system can start protecting itself by signaling to you to retreat into superficial conversations that feel much safer."

According to a phenomenological study published in the Journal of Couple and Relationship Therapy, which explored how couples experience emotional risk-taking within marriage, participants defined emotional closeness as not just spending time together but being able to "confide" in one another.

One co-researcher defined it as: "To me, it means to let my spouse really know how I feel about something."

However, some participants felt a fear of being judged, left emotionally exposed, or dismissed by their partners, with men in particular believing that showing vulnerability could be perceived as weakness.

When the protective habit of keeping things at surface level becomes the default, the person tends to stop trying, and intimacy slowly wanes, leaving behind a relationship that may look stable on the outside, but can be very lonely within.

Another sign is that they stop reacting when they should as they no longer have the energy to fight or get upset, or push for change.

While it may seem calm on the outside, this can be a sign of emotional fatigue, and is a often a signifier of resignation.

There can be ways to try and work through these issues, however, as Travers recommends setting aside time to check in emotionally, by making time to ask each other questions about their feelings.

This is not intended to fix things immediately, but rather to create a safe space where both partners feel heard, and to help rebuild the emotional intimacy in the relationship.

Featured image credit: VioletaStoimenova/Getty Images

Relationships aren't always sunshine and rainbows. And it's a sad fact of life that many of them are short-lived. But there are times where you might feel that your relationship is hanging by a thread - and don't quite have the courage to end it.

Well, it turns out, there are actually four clear indicators that your romance has reached the end of the road.

A relationship guru recently shared her expertise with her followers as she revealed the four signs your romance may be on the rocks.

Alex Scot is known on TikTok for sharing advice on pretty much all aspects of relationships. In her viral clip, she cites the "Four Horsemen" theory, coined by The Gottman Institute, which are four clear signs that a relationship is doomed.

Alex explains in detail what exactly the four horsemen are - and how you can watch out for them.

She tells her followers: "The first and worst of the four horsemen is contempt. Contempt is when you talk down to your partner as if you are superior and they are less than."

As an example of the first horseman, she adds: "Saying something like, 'I learned how to tell the time when I was five, when are you ever gonna learn?'"

According to Alex, the second horseman is defensiveness. She goes on to explain that if your partner mentions something about their relationship that they're not happy with and you respond defensively instead of trying to listen and take their issues onboard - your relationship likely won't last.

The third is "stonewalling", which is basically another term for the "silent treatment". It goes without saying that deliberately choosing not to engage with your partner is deadly for any relationship.

The final horseman is criticism - but there are two different types of criticism, she says.

You can criticize a particular situation or event, but if you're criticizing everything about your partner, it's not good news for the pair of you.

Well, there you have it - the four major red flags of any relationship! Share some of your own relationship red flags with us in the comments!

Featured image credit: Pexels / Vera Arsic

There's no such thing as a perfect relationship. Many of them are healthy and productive, and most of them (we hope) are happy - but completely flawless? Not a chance.

For this reason, the vast majority of us will find us arguing with our significant other at some point during the relationship. It could be over something small, like whose turn it is to make dinner, or something that ends up being a dealbreaker in the long run, like whether or not they want to have children, or buy a house together, or get married.

Whatever it is, the important thing is that it gets resolved in a way that works out for both parties.

However, it turns out that this is a lot easier said than done, as men and women react very differently to having an argument, and therefore prefer different ways of settling the matter.

In order to find out exactly how differently men and women react to a row, scientists from the Bucknell University conducted a two-part study.

The first part of the research took place online, wherein 74 men and women with an average age of 27 were given a fairly simple task: write down five behaviors/actions people of the same gender as them would have (or used to have) when trying to make up with their partner after a fight.

After all those responses were collected, scientists split the "common reconciliation behaviors" into 21 separate categories.

Then, it was time for the second part of the test. In this section, a different group of 164 people was given a chance to look at the behaviors and identify which ones would be most successful if their partner performed them as an act of reconciliation. Using a scale of one to seven, they ranked the behaviors from least to most effective.

And the results surprised the researchers.

During their methodology, the researchers explained that, "acts suggesting emotional commitment were expected to be rated as most effective" - but that wasn't the case. Instead, there was a clear difference between the ways in which men and women wanted to see reconciliation.

As the paper says:

"Men were expected to rate actions which signal sexual accessibility as more effective compared to women. Women were expected to rate acts which signal emotional accessibility as more effective compared to men."

Basically, women wanted to see an emotional response - perhaps a heartfelt apology, or an admittance of responsibility. Men, on the other hand, expected something a little more - uh - physical.

In a press release, the lead researcher on the study, T. Joel Wade, made it clear that both these genders could change their behavior in order to help speed up reconciliation.

"Women may thereby use sexual favors as a way to reconcile with their male partner," he said. "Doing so may communicate to their male partner that they are still sexually accessible and as such do not want to end the relationship."

Men, on the other hand, should just put in a little more emotional effort.

"Women may rate spending time together more highly because this behavior signals a partner's willingness to invest effort and limited resources (e.g. time) into their romantic pair-bond," said Wade. "Such actions by a man may signal the likelihood of a potentially high parental investment which women prefer."

Admittedly, these findings might not come as a huge surprise to many; but, to their credit, men also scored "communication" quite highly - so at least that's something!