Sam's Club is now selling a floating picnic table

Sam's Club is now selling a floating picnic table

Summer is the perfect time to go for a picnic, but who wants to go to a park? Everyone knows parks are absolute garbage. Ants crawl on your food, bloodthirsty bears lurk behind every tree, and kids always run up to you crying, "Where's my mom and dad? I got lost and can't find them!" Leave me alone, you stupid kid! I'm trying to eat a burrito.

Well, good news, fellow park haters! Sam's Club is selling a floating picnic table from Rhino Building Products. Now you can bring your summer picnic to the pool, lake, or whirlpool rapids gorge. So exciting! The table has a 600 pound capacity, which means it can fit up to five adults or two Americans.

floating picnic table Credit: Sam's Club

The floating picnic table measures 8 feet by 6 feet by 1.66 feet, which in meters is something different, but I'm not looking it up, because the metric system is stupid. The item weighs 65 pounds, contains four cupholders and contains extra space for a cooler. You can also attach the cooler through eye hooks on the side, although you run the risk of Gollum stealing your booze.

people on floating picnic table Credit: Sam's Club

"This table is a great hanging out spot on the water!" raved Razorbackshan in a five-star review. "Only con was table sometimes got in the way when we were trying to raft up our pontoons, but we worked around it." Meanwhile, travis gushed, "Everyone loves to have a place to perch in the middle of the water. Sometimes, people will sit at the table and play cards." HOLY CRAP, Y'ALL!!!! CARDS!!!!!

Well, I don't know about you, but I would trust Razorbackshan and travis with my life, so I am sold on this floating picnic table. Unfortunately, I am also broke, so it looks like I'm doomed to a lifetime of suffering picnics at the miserable hellscape of parks. Stay away from me, ants, bears and crying children - I'm warning you.