Super fleas with huge penises set to invade UK homes
"Super fleas with giant penises are heading to your home" - sometimes, the headline on an article pretty much speaks for itself, doesn't it?
Specialists in the field of insects, which are totally hung, say that a combination of a warm winter, and a mild, rainy summer have created a perfect storm for these well-endowed fleas to run amok.
How, you ask? Well, who cares about how - there are apparently fleas with penises two and a half times the size of their bodies flying around! We also regret to inform you that it is flea mating season, so they'll be looking to use those giant flea wieners as much as possible.
"The activity and behaviour of fleas is often very much dependent on the climate," said a spokesperson for pest controllers Basis Prompt, when speaking to The Sun.
"As they thrive in a warm and humid environment, they're likely to be present in greater numbers than usual during the next few weeks. The population of fleas seems to have grown rapidly in recent years, but the risk of an infestation could be bigger than ever this summer."
With female fleas set to have their work cut out - producing around 50 eggs a day - the risk is pretty high for a flea infestation this summer. They usually make their way into your home through your pets, using your beloved dog or cat like a Trojan Horse, burrowing into your carpet, or your clothes before settling in for some good old boinkin'.
"Fleas found on pets are usually only a small part of a bigger issue," warns the spokesperson for Basis Prompt, "as the vast majority of an infestation is probably living in the house. Anyone treating their pet must be sure to treat their home thoroughly at the same time or the problem is highly likely to return."
Oh dear. So if you have a dog or cat that's scratching themselves more than usual, be sure to take your furry traitor to the vet as soon as possible for a special shampoo bath, while flea bites must be washed and scrubbed with antiseptic cream.
Then, before the flea orgies begin, wash all of your clothing and bedding thoroughly, so the only thing breeding in your home is your feeling of resentment toward nature, as it tries - once again - to destroy you and everything you love.
Good luck, everybody!