Look, you guys, life can't always be butterflies and rainbows. Your landlord's being difficult with the rent, your dad's in the hospital, you're arguing with your partner, and the best thing you can do for yourself in these natural troughs of existence is admit that at that particular moment, your life is in the toilet, and it might be a while before things look up.
But in the meantime, while you wallow in the depths of whatever depression you might be at this moment in time, a surefire way of ensuring things don't get too grim is to go on the internet, and find out what's going on in Florida. I don't know what it is about the Sunshine State, but there's always something wacky going on down there, and this pee-related tale is no different.
Okay, now here's the situation: you're a resident in Jacksonville, and you've just stepped out to fill your car with gas. Heading inside to pay, you might pick up a quick snack while you're in there, and head up to the counter before you set off on your way.
That's when you notice the microwave.
Seeing a microwave in a convenience store isn't really a huge deal, but this one has a note on it: "Only for food use - do not warm urine."
Turning to the store manager and pointing to the note, you ask: "is... is this a problem you've had before?" The manager does not respond, but her smile fades, and in its place, a thousand-yard stare tells a story of its own. The story I'm about to tell you right now!
Okay, now some of you are probably wondering why you'd want to warm your pee in a microwave, assuming you don't want to imbue your kitchen with the familiar aroma of a public toilet.
Parul Patel, the convenience store manager, says to First Coast News that "random people" would show up at her store with containers of urine, warming them up before setting off again, leaving her place of business with a funny smell and not even as much as a tip.
"They're just random people walking and it's happening every day," complained Patel, saying that they'd often get aggressive when asked the obvious question you'd ask in that situation. One woman even pointed out that there wasn't a sign saying they couldn't warm pee in the microwave, hence the sign on Patel's microwave now.
"She started cussing at me. She said, 'well where is the sign that says you can't use this for this kind of purpose.' That gave me the idea, 'If that's what you're asking me, then I'll put the sign saying this is only for food use and not to use with your urine or anything else.'"
What gives, intrepid pee warmers?
It turns out that these microwavers had but one goal in mind: to avoid the unemployment line by cheating on their drugs test. Patel's particular gas station was located smack-dab in the middle of two companies with drug-testing services. So, people on drugs in need of that sweet, untainted urine would pick up some of the frozen stuff from wherever you get that kind of thing (Craigslist?), and go about their day.
So there you have it, folks. If you happen to come across Parul Patel's convenience store in the future and she offers to microwave the brownie you picked up at the counter, perhaps it'd be better if you politely decline.
