Pheebs had been experiencing online abuse for a year before she attempted to take her own life in December 2020. At its peak last year, the 19-year-old was receiving around 100 death threats a day, and was forced to block nearly 10,000 accounts.
"I wanted to speak about what happened, because a lot of the stories we hear about online abuse come from celebrities and famous figures – but it also happens to normal people like me or you," she tells me. "I haven't said or done anything awful, I became a target because I was trying to love my body, and people don't like that. I can't tell you why they troll me, they just do."
Now, Pheebs is bravely committed to sharing her story in order to destigmatise suicide and to draw attention to the damaging effects that internet trolling can have.
'I didn't want to be alive'
While the third national UK lockdown has been difficult time for us all, Pheebs' mental health was pushed past breaking point.
After the government's announcement meant that she was unable to see loved ones over Christmas, she turned to social media as a form of escapism. But the teenager was hit by a tidal wave of abuse after she shared pictures of herself promoting body positivity.
"Something slipped into my head when I saw those comments, and I couldn't do what I normally do," the co-founder of The Speak Up Space explains. "It stayed with me that night. It felt like I had all of these people in the room shouting at me. And at that moment, I just didn't want to be alive."
Pheebs tells me she uses Instagram to post candidly about her mental health and share messages of body positivity. But sadly, she has been repeatedly attacked for sharing images of her plus-size body online. And she's not alone.
According to recent statistics, internet trolls are most active on social media platforms such as Instagram and Twitter. And worryingly, 61 per cent of teens who report being bullied online say it was because of their appearance.
On the road to recovery
It's now been three months since Pheebs tried to take her own life – and she tells me she's making strides in her recovery.
"I'm so happy that my parents found me," she says. "I can't say I'm never going to feel like that again, because no one can say that. But I'm very confident in the steps I'm making now."
Pheebs goes on to tell me that she has just finished a 10-week group therapy course for handling and managing distress. Soon, she'll be starting another four-month-long course. Opening up about how therapy has benefitted her mental health, she says: "It's been very helpful, and I've been noticeably calmer in situations that are out of my control. It was so important to gain a bit more knowledge and insight into how my brain works."
Pheebs is in a position where she has access to therapy – which she says has been so "powerful" – but stresses that not everyone has the same privilege. "It's very sad because it's not accessible to everyone. I think it could benefit so many people, and we all have a right to the help we need."
Fighting online abuse
Even though Pheebs is still recovering from the events that took place in December, she says that they have only further galvanised her to protect her "online space".
"I was very angry at the fact that the trolling led to my suicide attempt, and it's one of the reasons that I wanted to do something about online abuse," she states, adding that she wanted to do so on her own terms.
This was something that was underscored after The Daily Mail published an article about her suicide attempt and experiences online without her permission. Pheebs claims she was not contacted by the site prior to publication, and it only resulted in more trolling, which impacted her mental health further.
The article was not removed until Pheebs started a petition that went viral. Speaking about the experience, she says: "The Daily Mail knows its readership. They were aware that people weren't going to respond well to the story, especially with me being larger and outspoken on things."
For her, this was an issue of consent, which she says doesn't end with sex. "It was a big violation of my own personal experience. It was the most vulnerable thing that I've ever been through. I have a choice in sharing everything I post on my platform. You should be able to have control over your lived experiences, and the way that you share them with people."
Supporting others
Ultimately, she is thankful that it happened, as it can serve as a reminder that individuals can triumph over big corporations. In fact, three people in Pheebs' online circle have had the same experience recently.
"Now we know that if we get a petition up to a certain amount, it will do something. And I want to support people who are going through what I did."
Still, Pheebs is now making conscious strides to put herself first before any kind of content. "I should obviously be able to say whatever I want, but when there are so many people who are just waiting to send hate, I really have to think before I post now."
One thing, however, that she will not shy away from speaking about is suicide.
"I'm very, very passionate about talking about it," she says. "It's not something that should be this scary word. It affects people, and many have sadly died from it. We need to talk about it to try and make sure that it doesn't happen to anyone else. There's a lot that comes into it – like access to help – but we need to talk about it to get rid of the stigma. Conversation is the first step."
And as Pheebs stresses throughout our conversation, for many people, this begins on social media. Voices like her own will undoubtedly prove invaluable.
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VT has reached out to The Daily Mail for comment.
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