Mom begs for advice on how to tell daughter that her 'brother' is actually her father

vt-author-image

By James Kay

Article saved!Article saved!

A mom is seeking help as she faces the difficult task of telling her 30-year-old daughter that the man she thought was her brother is actually her father.

This set of circumstances has unfolded for an anonymous woman who is preparing to open up about her family's decisions but worries about the fallout.

Writing in to the Atlantic's Dear Therapist column, the woman explained that she married her husband when he had two children, but she had none.

Having kids was always on the agenda for her and she wished to do it with her new husband, but due to an irreversible vasectomy he had undergone, this wasn't possible.

size-full wp-image-1263218848
The mother is worried about her daughter will react (stock photo). Credit: Oliver Rossi / Getty

The couple began assessing ways to have a child, and they came to the decision that a sperm bank was not the route they wanted to go down.

Instead, they questioned whether the husband's son would be willing to donate some of his sperm, so the child would have the "husband's genes".

The family went ahead with this plan, and 30 years on they face the prospect of telling the daughter about the events which led to her birth.

The unnamed mother wrote: "Our daughter is 30 now. How do we tell her that her father is her grandfather, her brother is her father, her sister is her aunt, and her nephew is her half-brother?"

She added that her husband along with herself are anxious about sitting down for this conversation and that her husband has another worry that she will no longer see him as a father figure, despite raising her.

Lori Gottlieb, a qualified therapist, and columnist for the Atlantic explained that the daughter will have to confront two truths about the scenario.

The first is that her biological father isn't who she thought he was, and the second is that the people she has called her parents for three decades have "deceived" her.

To handle the situation, Gottlieb explained that the facts should be laid out simply and concisely and this should be matched with an apology.

The therapist added that the mother will have to take "full responsibility" for her actions and not make any excuses during the conversation.

size-full wp-image-1263218849
The mother has been advised to be open and honest with her daughter (stock photo). Credit: milorad kravic / Getty

Further advice added that talking too much wouldn't help anything and that the thoughts and feelings of the daughter should be the priority.

To add to this, the brother also needs to be taken into account as he may have not informed any family that he has, and it is up to him whether he wants to inform them about what happened 30 years ago.

It's certainly no easy task, and we wish the mother well as she opens up to her daughter.

Featured image credit: Dean Mitchell / Getty

Mom begs for advice on how to tell daughter that her 'brother' is actually her father

vt-author-image

By James Kay

Article saved!Article saved!

A mom is seeking help as she faces the difficult task of telling her 30-year-old daughter that the man she thought was her brother is actually her father.

This set of circumstances has unfolded for an anonymous woman who is preparing to open up about her family's decisions but worries about the fallout.

Writing in to the Atlantic's Dear Therapist column, the woman explained that she married her husband when he had two children, but she had none.

Having kids was always on the agenda for her and she wished to do it with her new husband, but due to an irreversible vasectomy he had undergone, this wasn't possible.

size-full wp-image-1263218848
The mother is worried about her daughter will react (stock photo). Credit: Oliver Rossi / Getty

The couple began assessing ways to have a child, and they came to the decision that a sperm bank was not the route they wanted to go down.

Instead, they questioned whether the husband's son would be willing to donate some of his sperm, so the child would have the "husband's genes".

The family went ahead with this plan, and 30 years on they face the prospect of telling the daughter about the events which led to her birth.

The unnamed mother wrote: "Our daughter is 30 now. How do we tell her that her father is her grandfather, her brother is her father, her sister is her aunt, and her nephew is her half-brother?"

She added that her husband along with herself are anxious about sitting down for this conversation and that her husband has another worry that she will no longer see him as a father figure, despite raising her.

Lori Gottlieb, a qualified therapist, and columnist for the Atlantic explained that the daughter will have to confront two truths about the scenario.

The first is that her biological father isn't who she thought he was, and the second is that the people she has called her parents for three decades have "deceived" her.

To handle the situation, Gottlieb explained that the facts should be laid out simply and concisely and this should be matched with an apology.

The therapist added that the mother will have to take "full responsibility" for her actions and not make any excuses during the conversation.

size-full wp-image-1263218849
The mother has been advised to be open and honest with her daughter (stock photo). Credit: milorad kravic / Getty

Further advice added that talking too much wouldn't help anything and that the thoughts and feelings of the daughter should be the priority.

To add to this, the brother also needs to be taken into account as he may have not informed any family that he has, and it is up to him whether he wants to inform them about what happened 30 years ago.

It's certainly no easy task, and we wish the mother well as she opens up to her daughter.

Featured image credit: Dean Mitchell / Getty