Relationships2 min(s) read
A top London divorce lawyer has shared a stark piece of advice for couples preparing to get married, urging them to have honest conversations about children, money and existing relationship problems before tying the knot.
Speaking exclusively to VT, Poppy Grazebrook, one of London's leading divorce and family lawyers, has offered her insight into marriage and what couples should understand before taking the plunge.
With around 40 to 43% of marriages across the US and UK ending in divorce, Grazebrook says couples should be aware of both the emotional and financial realities of marriage.
She claimed that her advice is “not necessarily a warning”, but stressed that couples should communicate openly about major decisions and responsibilities.
“Not necessarily a warning but my advice would be to have open communication regarding children, financial responsibilities etc.”
Grazebrook also urged couples not to expect marriage to magically resolve problems that were already present in their relationship.
“Don’t assume that marriage will fix existing issues.”
However, she said there is one particular area couples should understand before getting married: the difference between legal ownership and financial entitlement.
“A warning would be to have an awareness of the difference between legal ownership and financial entitlement before getting married.”
This could be particularly significant when it comes to the family home.
Grazebrook explained that even if a property is registered solely in one person's name, that does not necessarily mean their spouse has no rights over it.
“For example, if one person owns the family home in their sole name, that doesn't necessarily mean the other spouse has no rights in relation to it.”
She said a spouse may have matrimonial home rights, while the property could also be taken into consideration as part of a wider financial settlement if the couple divorces.
“A spouse may have matrimonial home rights, and in the event of divorce and financial proceedings, the Court will consider the property as part of the wider financial settlement.”
Ultimately, Grazebrook's advice is that couples should go into marriage with their eyes open — understanding not only their relationship with each other, but also the potential legal and financial implications of becoming spouses.
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1. You give each other the silent treatment
Fighting and bickering are expected in a relationship, but when it leads to stonewalling each other afterwards, it doesn't bode well for long-term success. If you're committed to your relationship, you should be willing to talk to each other in order to iron out your problems.
2. The sex is lacklustre
Sex, as well all know, is a natural desire. While some relationships are able to endure without sex, it's a key component to the majority of marriages. If the love has gone in the sack, it's more than likely left the relationship altogether.
3. You no longer have much in common
While there's an element of truth in the claim "opposites attract", your differences will eventually start to tell. You and your partner want to enjoy your time together, but if you're both into massively different things, this can become incredibly difficult.
4. Your careers come before the family
As we begin to focus more on our careers and the path that we are on, relationships can begin to suffer. If one of you is out at work for the majority of the day, the stay-at-home spouse will begin to resent the situation, leading to major issues.
5. You have contempt for each other
Belittling each other and treating each other with disdain are indicators that your relationship is beginning to disintegrate. While you won't always see eye-to-eye, you need to be able to respect one another and treat each other how you want to be treated.
6. You don't respect each other's "love language"
Understanding how your partner feels appreciated is crucial to long-term success in marriage. Although you may love your spouse, they may not feel loved if they have a different love language to you. Some people like things like spontaneous gifts, while others prefer verbal affirmations, loving touch or quality time together. Learn your partner's love language and make them feel appreciated.
7. You lie about your finances
No matter how you organise your finances (joint account, separate account etc...) you need to be honest with your spouse about how you're spending. You are both accountable for the family finances and if you're not transparent about where the money is going, it can be hard for your partner to trust you when it comes to buying a home or planning for retirement.
8. You never fight
A huge flaw in many relationships is a refusal to argue. Arguing is part of a healthy relationship and if you refuse to speak up when you feel like something is unjust, it will only lead to resentment and further problems. If this person is really your lover, you should be able to accept one another's comments without it destroying your matrimony.
While a lot of these signs may seem like common sense, the lesson to take from this is don't get married unless you are totally sure of the relationship. Marriage is a huge responsibility, and is not something that you should rush into.A divorce law expert has revealed five everyday problems that can - and do - sometimes lead to the breakdown of a marriage.
So, if you’re experiencing worry about the state of your relationship, here are a few common things to keep an eye on.
It’s hard to keep a marriage going, and a staggering number end in divorce.
In fact, between 40 and 50 percent of marriages in the USA end in divorce, and almost half again in the UK - 42 percent.
With that in mind, it’s important to keep an eye out for a few common triggers that might seem small, but can add up to disaster where the partnership is concerned.
They are all completely obvious, but some are a lot more avoidable than others.
Thankfully, we have Evie Bignell, a family law expert from Grant Stephens Family Law, to break down some of the most common causes for marriages to break up.
The plan is to help people see that the small things really do start to add up over time, eventually becoming a gaping chasm between two people who previously loved one another.
She explained: “I’ve noticed that couples don’t realise that persistent, everyday stressors can gradually undermine a relationship over time, and this is something we frequently hear about with our clients.
“These issues don’t necessarily appear dramatic on the surface, but they can create ongoing tension that, if unmanaged, contributes to irreparable breakdowns in communication and connection, likely to end in a divorce.
We see a lot that it isn’t one major event that contributes to divorce, but lots of little things that may add up over years, so it’s important to recognise this.”
So, without further ado - let’s dive in.
Of course money makes the list, as we’re all worried about it - married, single, in a relationship.
Unless you are absolutely loaded, it’s likely that you have money anxiety.
In this day and age, everything costs more and we all have less disposable income.
In a marriage, this can cause arguments, stress, debt, prioritizing different things - all sorts of potential quarrels.
Factor in the cost of childcare and the like, and it’s a potential dealbreaker.
In order to get that money, we have to work super-hard, which means that we can neglect the ones we love.
That leaves partners feeling unfulfilled, ignored, and - eventually - undervalued and even unloved.
Not a great sign for the marriage.
Our expert says: “Long hours, working through annual leave, and constant connectivity to work can make partners feel neglected or undervalued.
“Pressure to stay on top of responsibilities at work often leaves little time for nurturing the relationship, leading to disconnection over time.”
Of course, work stress - among other things - can lead to a lack of good communication in a marriage, and - as any good relationship therapist will tell you - communication is key.
We’re not mind readers, so it’s important that everyone in a relationship knows where everyone stands, and when that slips, it can be catastrophic.
Over time, gaps and cracks widen, and efforts to close them diminish. According to the expert, that can even make the divorce proceedings more onerous and expensive, as bad communication drags things out and increases lawyer costs.
This is a bit of a catch-all term, and it really explains itself. When people stop engaging with each other and stop enjoying their relationship and each other’s company, it’s hard to claw things back.
Emotional distance can be hard to make up, and it can slowly erode the relationship until it deteriorates beyond the point of repair.
But fear not - recognizing what is happening is the first step to sorting the issues out.
If you start living your life together rather than living them separately, you can still save the marriage.
Ultimately it comes down to how you both feel about each other, rather than any other factors.
As with everything, marriage is something you have to work on.
Divorce lawyer Baroness Shackleton, who previously represented Paul McCartney, teamed up with researchers from the University of Exeter to figure out what exactly what couples should know about one another before they commit to a serious relationship.
"More than 50% of the people consulting me about divorce have said they realised either before or very soon into their marriages, that they were fundamentally incompatible with their partners," Shackleton said. This survey involved 43 couples who had been married for ten years or had separated, and ten other couples who had been together for 15 years.
They discovered that the best long-term relationships happen when two people have realistic ideas about what their relationship can be, and claim that the following questions are essential to figuring out if their relationship will ultimately work.
1. Are we a 'good fit'?
Many of the couples in the survey began as friends, with their intimacy developing over time. A 'good fit', in this context, means people who are compatible as friends before any romance blossomed.
2. Do we have a strong basis of friendship?
Underneath the romance needs to be a strong foundation of friendship, as it can help you through tough times such as grief or serious relationship problems.
3. Do we want the same things?
According to this study, the happiest couples had similar hopes, dreams and expectations of their partner, and of the relationship in general.
4. Are our expectations realistic?
The researchers found that successful couples were the ones with more realistic expectations of marriage and relationships. These couples knew it wouldn't be easy and that they would have to work hard, and were prepared to get professional help if necessary.
5. Do we generally see the best in each other?
Compassion is crucial, but it may take some time to build that compassion. Successful couples see the best in each other, making allowances in certain situations.
6. Do we both work at keeping our relationship vibrant?
Whether it be daily traditions or simple small acts of kindness throughout the week, communicating your appreciation for your partner goes a long way to helping the relationship thrive.
7. Do we feel we can discuss things and raise issues with each other?
Taking the time to talk about the minutiae of your day, or deeper topics, is important for any relationship. You need to feel that you can have open communication with one another for when you need to speak your mind.
8. Are we both committed to working through hard times?
Adapting to change is important for any relationship, as both of you will have your own hardships you will need to manage. Making it through tough times will often strengthen the relationship for the future.
9. Would we pull together to get through stressful times?
There are plenty of stresses that couples can go through together. There's grief, financial difficulties, becoming a parent, or even affairs. All these issues require good relationship skills to make it through.
10. Do we each have supportive people around us?
It's not all about those in the relationship itself - but those around it, too. Having family and close friends that are supportive enriches the lives of couples. The study found that women, in particular, drew substantial support from their mothers, sisters and friends.
It's hard to know what's ahead for a relationship, as even those who are great together might hit rough patches further down the line.
However, if you make sure you are asking these questions and adapting as your relationship changes, always listening to and looking out for your partner, you've got a great chance of making it work.
A divorce lawyer has taken to TikTok to reveal the profession men should most avoid when marrying women.
This isn't the first time TikTok user @jettiegirl28 - who also goes by KK on the social media platform - has courted controversy by outing people in certain professions as being worse life partners.
In a previous clip, she revealed the top five jobs women should be wary of when dating men. But her video exposing which job men should avoid is even more shocking and unexpected.
KK kicks off the TikTok by explaining that she had debated posting the video because she knew the answer would upset a lot of people. However, so many people asked her to do a gender-swapped version of her previous video that in the end, she figured she had no choice.
"I will go ahead and respond to the most-asked question from my last video which is: 'What professions in women should men avoid?' the divorce lawyer said.
"A lot of you thought that those same professions for men that I told you to avoid would translate," she continued, adding that "they really don't."
The top five professions KK had warned women to be wary of were firemen, police officer, military, surgeon, and pilot. "I've had one military female client who was difficult but other than that I've not seen any correlation," she explained.
In KK's thirteen years of experience as a divorce lawyer, she's found that "teacher" and "nurse" were the most common professions of her female clients. However, she didn't see any need to warn men off those jobs as these were "not cases where the female is really difficult or litigious."
KK then had to steel herself before revealing the most common profession that she sees where the female is difficult: "stay-at-home mom."
"Hate me, I know y'all are going to hate me. Let me explain why," she added quickly, before going on to give the reasons why stay-at-home moms made for such nightmare divorces.
"When you're divorcing a stay-at-home mom they are paralyzed with fear. And rightfully so, because their whole life is going to change. They're going to have to go back to the workforce, they're going to have to possibly move, their finances are going to be very different," KK said, adding: "So they tend to stick their head in the sand and stall. And so the cases become very contested and very expensive."
She went on to say that - in her experience - stay-at-home moms often became involved in divorces because they have very different interests to their working partner.
"They tend to focus so much on the children, and the husband focuses so much on career, that they don't feel appreciated by one another. The husband starts feeling like an ATM and the wife becomes completely focused on the children. And they tend to grow apart, so I think that's why it's the most common," KK explained.
The clip - which KK captioned "I think I just started a nuclear war" - has already racked up 3 million views and thousands of comments.
One user weighed in on why they thought stay-at-home moms were most likely to get divorced, writing: "In society today, a SAHM [stay-at-home mom] is not valued like it was in previous generations. so resentment builds up."
Another added that in their experience, KK's observations rang true. "As a SAHM, and it’s fear. We’re totally dependent on someone and sacrificed our autonomy to raise our kids and support their careers," they commented.
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