I don't know about you guys, but I feel like it's going to be a long time before I can properly envision becoming a father. While I think I've got the raw tools for the job and a hundred years ago men my age would be at their prime for taking care of a little one, I'm still way too much of a kid myself to seriously consider bringing a new life into this dark, unforgiving world.
Even if misery, disappointment and climate change weren't around the corner for my precocious son or daughter, the steep rise in living costs means I could feasibly have to slave away for hours in multiple jobs just so my kid can afford to go to college. If only there was a company out there that would subsidise those costs.
Oh... hey, KFC. You... you weren't exactly the company I had in mind to help me raise my firstborn child, but if you're into it, I... I guess I can go with it.
Yes, that's right, folks. Not only are KFC worldwide connoisseurs of delicious fried chicken, but they're also invested in feeding our future; promising $11,000 to one lucky set of parents out there, no questions asked. Okay, I lied: there are several questions we've got to get through for this little bump in financial health.
Of course, this is KFC; home of the first chicken sandwich in outer space, home of the chicken-themed romance novel for Morther's Day. I really should have known there was an insane gimmick involved in one of their marketing efforts, and surprise surprise: there's a big catch.
First thing's first, you're going to have to have this hypothetical baby on a specific date. If your little one is going to be born on a day other than September 9, then forget about your influx of cash for their college tuition. No matter if your bundle of joy is scheduled for a September 9 birth and comes early or late; your kid's going to need to get a student loan like everyone else.
Secondly, because this is KFC, you have to name your son or daughter after Colonel Sanders himself. Not "the Colonel" or "Sanders", mind you; your baby shall be named Harland, in honour of the founder of KFC. No matter if they're a boy or a girl: Harland is probably unisex. The fried chicken purveyors fail to mention in the contest whether counselling fees are included in that $11,000 windfall, because that kid is definitely going to get bullied.
Does this still sound like a good idea to you? I'm... I'm not entirely sure you should be allowed to have children, but click here to enter the competition, and gamble your child's name and dignity for the sum of $11,000. I say "gamble" because while the deadline for this contest is September 9, you'll be a new father for an entire month before finding out if you've won the competition, potentially leaving you with no money, and a child named Harland to boot.
Honestly, I would have liked a little notice so I could actually try and have a baby, KFC, but if you're one of those lucky few who's eligible, then good luck to you. Oh, and congratulations on the baby thing, I guess.
