Ladies and gentlemen, it's the end of July; we're officially into the final strait of summer. I hope that your summer days so far have been filled with barbecues, rooftop bars and plenty of festivals, and that you're coping well with the heat. For what it's worth, I am not.
While I spent many weeks and months crying out for just a few days of sunlight, the current heatwave has left me somewhat destroyed; destined to toss and turn in the evening, and sweat profusely in the daytime. It's a nightmare. Whatever is a man to do when he needs a sandwich in this hellish weather? Obviously, the answer is "steal an ambulance".
Confused? Well then, you're obviously not Todd "Tanner" Shell, whose hunger for meat and cheese between bread knew no bounds in these hot summer months. He'd just left the hospital after checking in for a situation loosely related heat incident. Shell's hometown Mesa, Arizona hit temperatures of around 115 °F (46°C) that day.
But then, his stomach began to rumble, and the only thing that would sate his hunger was surely a sandwich. His only resort in this most sweltering of heatwaves was to head out to buy one, but alas, it was too hot. So he did what anybody (read: nobody) would do in that situation: hop into an ambulance, and start to drive.
Since he was already at the hospital, it wasn't long before he came across a vehicle. Unfortunately, that vehicle was an ambulance; idling nearby, presumably having just returned from helping to save somebody's life. No matter for our man Shell, he hopped in, and drove it straight for the nearest sandwich shop.
To his credit, he made it about 10 miles before he was tracked down by the authorities.
Nobody was hurt (the speed limit wasn't even exceeded), and officials report that the ambulance came back without a scratch. So, not exactly the Fast and the Furious, then. When asked the reason for his nefarious crime, Shell simply replied that it was too hot for him to walk. Which is more than a little flimsy.
Y'see, the thing about ambulances is that they're equipped with a GPS locator, just in case some bright spark decides to take one for a joyride (or to get a sandwich, as it were). To his credit, Shell said he was just popping home real quick to pick up a few bucks, and fully planned on returning the vehicle, but I'm sure that's what all the ambulance thieves say.
I'm using a humorous tone, but the fact of the matter remains: this ambulance could have been saving lives, but instead, it was taking a man back home so he could buy a sandwich. If you're out and about and need to get funds for your sandwich spree, my advice is to just use an ATM. It's 2018, after all.
We should all know this, but I'd expect our man Todd Shell to take this to heart; he'll have a long time to think about it as he ponders his charges of unlawful use of means of transportation and fleeing from law enforcement. Yeah, stealing an ambulance is a felony, you guys. This ain't Grand Theft Auto.
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