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Before we start, allow me to skilfully navigate a couple of questions straight off the bat.
Am I a doctor? No, I am not a doctor - but I do have an encyclopedic knowledge of Web MD due to an entirely misspent and worry-fuelled youth. And besides, 'Dr. Christian' does have a certain ring to it, so never say never.
Am I a qualified life coach? No, but come on, do they *actually* exist? You know, in real life?
Right ok, but you've had some rich life experiences that might lead you to give informed, valuable advice, right? Er. Sure, for the purposes of this column, let's say why on Earth not?
Now that we've got the admin out of the way, let's dive straight into the meat of the matter. This week's pressing concern is one that will divide couples across the globe, as we delve deep into one of the most pressing issues of today's society.
What's that? We're giving advice on the Democratic nomination? How to tackle the climate crisis? How to live anxiety-free with sustained happiness and financial freedom?
Well no, not quite. Instead, in lieu of an altogether more highbrow segment, allow me to scrabble about in the dust for you as I try to struggle to answer the age-old question:
It already sounds like a wild ride, doesn't it? Well, buckle up...
The Reddit thread AITA (an abbreviation of 'Am I The A**hole?') has borne the brunt of many familial, romantic, and friend-to-friend disagreements over the years, and dubs itself as "a catharsis for the frustrated moral philosopher in all of us, and a place to finally find out if you were wrong in an argument that's been bothering you".
And so, in the spirit of lighthearted entertainment and invaluable public service (citation still pending on that second one...) we've decided to give our two cents on the matter.
Pooping is a little bit like illegal fly-tipping or lying to your friends about which political candidate you're going to vote for: We all do it, but most of us prefer not to talk about it too much.
One study found that public pools may have poop in them:
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But one forthright Redditor is diving in headfirst:
"This has been an ongoing argument between my wife and I. It’s fairly lighthearted, but we want to settle it once and for all," the original poster begins, heralding in with them the start of our conundrum:
"We have a master bedroom with an en-suite, and then there’s a second bathroom upstairs as well. Our en-suite doesn’t have a door on the bathroom, but the toilet is in a small water closet with a sliding door.
"I have irritable bowel and I need to poop multiple times per day. I almost always need to go to the bathroom before bed. At this time my wife is usually using the sink in the en-suite, or laying in bed.
"My wife thinks I should leave our room and poop in the second upstairs bathroom. I think I should be able to poop in my own en suite! That’s what it’s for!"
Now, already there's a lot to dissect here. Our poster has revealed that they have Irritable Bowel Syndrome, a common long-term condition that leads to symptoms like stomach cramps, bloating, diarrhea, and constipation. Clearly, they need easy access to a bathroom.
But wait, because there's a sting in the tail (excuse the pun). The poster's wife is often to be found in the evening using the sink in the en-suite, which leads us to a crossroads. Should our original poster - irritable bowel and all - take himself upstairs to the second bathroom, thus leaving his wife in peace to apply her eye serum without the accompanying symphony of faint splashing and frustrated grunting?
Sure, the obvious answer is "yes", but should the poster really have to hurtle up a flight of stairs every time their stomach is sensitive?
The tale of toilet-related strife continues:
"Her arguments are that it’s loud (true, I can’t help it), sometimes smells, and she just generally finds it gross to be getting ready for bed while I’m pooping just a thin door away.
"My arguments are that lots of people only have one bathroom, and surely most people must poop in their en suites!? We’re married, and this is our house. I think she’s being picky and kind of controlling by asking me to leave and go poop elsewhere."
Now, despite the slight inconvenience of having to traipse upstairs every you need to drop the kids off at the pool, I have to say it seems that the wife has a strong case for the prosecution in this particular battle of the bathroom.
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Sure, the original poster's argument that a lot of people only have one bathroom and must therefore be forced to contend with having to poop mere inches away from their significant other on a daily basis has its merits. However, this particular couple are not in that unhappy predicament - we have already established that they have a second bathroom a mere few steps away upstairs.
A "fairly lighthearted" dispute this might be, dear reader, but I'd ask you to consider the long term consequences of - to coin a phrase - 'proximity pooping' (or, the act of dropping the deuces with only a paper-thin wall and the grace of God separating you and your partner).
As we know, minor gripes can all too easily become major grievances, lest they're not attended to in a timely manner, and one fears where this fecal feud might lead if our IBS-afflicted couple doesn't come to an agreeable settlement.
Now, it might seem like a major inconvenience right now to consider hurtling up the stairs every time you feel a poop coming on, but I'd be willing to bet that your partner - who has candidly shared her grievance with you in a light-hearted manner - would greatly appreciate the effort you'd be going to to make her feel more comfortable in her bedtime routine.
We all know that IBS is no joke, so I'm sure that your wife is not going to insist that you still try and run at breakneck speed to the second bathroom if you're literally about to soil your pants, but making a general rule of not pooping while she's the other side of a sliding door washing her face might be a good compromise.
And most Reddit comments appeared to side with the poster's wife in the scenario.
However one user had another suggestion of compromise.
OUR SUGGESTION:
Ultimately, communication is key in any successful relationship, and it seems like this AITA poster and their wife have at least opened light-hearted discussions on poop-gate. Let's hope for the sake of their future - and the wife's nostrils - that a solution is found sooner rather than later.
Of course, there's always the option to throw the baby out with the toilet bowl water if what they are really suffering from is a bout of Irritable Spouse Syndrome, in which case they could just call the whole thing off and flush the relationship down the drain. Let's hope they work it out, though.
Perhaps we've all learned something valuable from this detailed breakdown of one couple's defecation debate. With compromise, a bit of luck and fair wind (sorry), there is normally a solution to be found.
If that solution is a few steps further from the en suite than we'd like, then so be it.
Now that I've stretched the poop metaphors as far as can be reasonably expected, it's time to say over and out: down the U-bend and back to reality.
