It probably goes without saying that you don't want to mess with the Queen of England. Just look at her scowl; if she felt like it, she could definitely make your life a living hell. Now, usually with elderly women pushing 90, I'd fancy my chances of escaping the conflict with my dignity intact, but Britain's longest-reigning monarch is... scary.
That being said, I'd imagine working for the Queen as one of her staff would be an absolute delight... as long as you didn't upset her. Change her bedsheets, cook her meals, keep her up to schedule with her various Queen-related duties and everything's golden, but if you happen to screw up, then I wouldn't want to be you.
This isn't just conjecture on my part, either - although I think a lot about what would happen if I upset the Queen, we have evidence of her royal wrath after a cook made the unfortunate mistake of inviting an unexpected guest to the Queen's dinner.
The Queen likes a lot of different meats - reportedly, salmon is meant to be her favourite - but one of the meats she won't try too often is escargot. So imagine her surprise when she found a slug in one of her meals! Luckily, she didn't accidentally eat the thing, and was able to leave some rather frank feedback with the cook.
So, as part of your deal as a royal chef, whenever you cook the Queen a meal, she's got a royal notebook on hand to note down everything she did and didn't like. That's according to former royal servant Charles Oliver, who reveals all of this in his book, entitled Dinner at Buckingham Palace.
"Mostly, the book remains blank, as the Queen is not fussy about food. However, when she has a guest to an informal lunch and they reveal definite likes and dislikes – such as an objection to fried potatoes or Brussels sprouts – the Queen will make a discreet note for future reference. This is duly recorded by the kitchen and remembered, should the guest come again."
But while the book on the whole isn't written in very much, when she finds something she really doesn't like, she's sure to express that in the least uncertain terms. Recalling the slug incident in his book, Oliver explained how the Queen reacted to her unpleasant surprise - pretty savagely, it turns out.
"Once, on a torn-off top sheet the footmen found the dead body of a slug. 'I found this in the salad – could you eat it?' the Queen had written on the pad," Oliver explained in the book, and if I were the offending chef on this occasion, I'd be tempted to do just that, so that I could show just how sorry I was.
On the other hand, it's good to know what to expect if I ever get to have dinner with the Queen. Stay away from Brussels sprouts, and no slugs: got it.
