A woman who gouged out her own eyeballs has opened up about the unsettling way her mind forces her to see things.
On February 6, 2018, during a methamphetamine-induced psychotic episode, Kaylee Muthart ripped out her own eyes.
The then-21-year-old had been awake for nearly 48 hours, using a mix of contaminated meth that amplified her deepest fears and beliefs.
“The drugs take your fears and beliefs and amplify them,” she told PEOPLE a year later. “I thought I had to take my eyes out to survive and save the world.”
Kaylee’s struggles with addiction intensified after Thanksgiving in 2017, despite several attempts to quit.
She had agreed to enter rehab but never made it in time. A harrowing hallucination caused her to believe that tearing out her eyes was the only way to save the world.
“I remember thinking that someone had to sacrifice something important to right the world, and that person was me,” Kaylee told the Daily Star.
“I thought everything would end abruptly, and everyone would die if I didn’t tear out my eyes immediately.”
She recounted the horrifying moment: “I pushed my thumb, pointer, and middle finger into each eye. I gripped each eyeball, twisted, and pulled until each eye popped out of the socket. It felt like a massive struggle, the hardest thing I ever had to do. Because I could no longer see, I don’t know if there was blood. But I know the drugs numbed the pain.”
Kaylee was rushed to the hospital, where surgeons performed emergency procedures to remove what remained of her eyes.
Now sober and living with her family, Kaylee reflected on an arduous year of recovery and self-discovery.
“She has been given a second chance,” her mother, Katy Tompkins told People. “Mentally and physically, Kaylee has come so far.
"We take one day at a time, but each of her days gets better. Her thoughts are very goal-oriented, and now she completely understands her path. Part of that path is to help people with her story.”
After the incident, Kaylee spent weeks in a psychiatric facility, underwent surgery to prepare her eye sockets for prosthetic eyes, and completed a month-long inpatient drug treatment program.
She credits the devastating consequences of her drug use for her resolve to stay sober. “The drugs took something from me,” she said. “When you get burned by the fire, you learn not to go back.”
Back at home, Kaylee has been relearning how to navigate life without sight. “I try to do everything on my own,” she said. “If I get hurt in the process, it’s just learning.”
Kaylee has since expressed a longing to see her loved ones age and discover the details of her life she can no longer witness, per Cosmopolitan.
“I would like to see my loved ones get older, see what color my cat is - I got him after I went blind," she said.
"It’s like, imagine someone explaining to you what a character on a TV show looked like. They could tell you all the different attributes, but until you look at them, you just won’t know.”
She also explained how her mind creates “visual hallucinations” as a way to cope with the loss of sight.
“Because I have seen before, my mind will not accept not seeing. They are called visual hallucinations, and I kind of think of that as God not letting me be in the darkness,” Kaylee revealed.
In 2020, Kaylee underwent surgery to have prosthetic eyes fitted to match the appearance of her original ones.
If you or someone you know is battling addiction, please reach out for help and contact the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration's (SAMHSA's) National Helpline at 1-800-662-HELP (1-800-662-4357) or go to https://findtreatment.gov/
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