Vulnerability is one of those necessary evils of modern relationships. It’s messy, it’s brave, and it’s essential to building meaningful connections. But as with most things in life, timing is everything.
Enter: floodlighting.
Lately, the term (among other dating trends like 'phubbing') has been making waves across Reddit, dating podcasts, and even TV morning shows as a red-flag behavior in early-stage dating.
If you’ve ever been on a date where someone drops their entire life story, including a traumatic breakup, strained relationship with their parents, and unresolved therapy notes, before the drinks even arrive, you’ve likely been floodlighted.
While it may look like emotional openness, floodlighting is more of a defensive maneuver disguised as vulnerability.
Coined by researcher and bestselling author Brené Brown, floodlighting refers to oversharing deeply personal information in a way that bypasses trust-building. It is vulnerability on steroids, used not to deepen connection, but as a means of fast-tracking it.
In other words, it feels deep, but it skips all the steps that make intimacy real.
In her book, The Power of Vulnerability: Teachings of Authenticity, Connections and Courage, Brown describes floodlighting as a way to protect us from vulnerability.
"Oversharing? Not vulnerability; I call it floodlighting. ... A lot of times we share too much information as a way to protect us from vulnerability," she writes. "I'm scared to let you know that I just wrote this article and I'm under total fire for it and people are making fun of me and I'm feeling hurt – the same thing that I told someone in an intimate conversation.
"So what I do is I floodlight you with it - I don't know you very well or I'm in front of a big group, or it's a story that I haven't processed enough to be sharing with other people - and you immediately respond "hands up; push me away" and I go, "See? No one cares about me. No one gives a s*** that I'm hurting. I knew it," she adds.
It's how we protect ourselves from vulnerability. We just engage in a behavior that confirms our fear. Think of it as emotional love bombing: instead of overwhelming someone with gifts or affection, the floodlighter overwhelms them with unfiltered trauma dumps.
Psychologist and relationship researcher Dr. Marisa T. Cohen explains (via Women's Health): “[The floodlighter] may be engaging in this form of communication as they feel a sense of security in the relationship and may genuinely want to establish a deep connection with the other person."
She continues: "Their intention may just be, ‘I feel safe with you. I want to connect with you by sharing this important information about me and my past.’”
And it’s not just about pacing. The why behind the floodlight matters. Sometimes, people use it to test whether a potential partner can “handle” their baggage or to gain control of the emotional dynamic early in a relationship. This makes it a kind of subconscious manipulation, even if the floodlighter isn’t fully aware of their motives.
Let’s be clear: not all oversharing is toxic. Some people are naturally more open, and others might nervously overtalk on a first date. If someone tells you about a hard week or opens up about a past relationship, that doesn’t necessarily mean they’re floodlighting. But if the details are overly intense, unsolicited, and emotionally charged (especially if you feel like you’re being pulled into a therapist role) it could be a sign.
Floodlighting often mimics genuine emotional intimacy, but it’s a shortcut, not the destination.
Real closeness comes from shared experiences, mutual support, and gradually earned trust. When it’s forced, it creates an illusion of connection, not the foundation for something lasting.
So, what’s the takeaway here? Vulnerability is vital, but only when it’s mutual, measured, and earned. Real intimacy grows slowly, and that's not just okay, it’s kind of the point.