Gemma quickly knew that she wasn't just experiencing the "baby blues" after the birth of her first child, Autumn. She was correct. Two weeks after her daughter arrived, she was given a formal diagnosis of postnatal depression (PND). "I felt very emotional like most women do," she explains between tears. "But as the days went on, I knew it was more."
The hardest part of this for Gemma is that the new mom simply wants to give her child the best – like any new parent. "Autumn's got everything she needs, obviously. But I just sometimes think she should have a mum who's not crying while feeding her."
Postnatal depression is surprisingly common, affecting more than 1 in every 10 women within a year of giving birth, per the NHS.
Of course, it's normal to feel tearful and anxious in the weeks after having a baby. But postnatal depression is far more serious, and is too often dismissed as the "baby blues". Simply put, the former will not last more than two weeks, and the symptoms of postnatal depression vary from feelings of hopelessness and despair to withdrawing from loved ones. Its cause remains unclear.
Gemma's symptoms set in just five days after her "amazing" birth. "My mood was very low, and I had no motivation to do anything at all," the 32-year-old explains. "It was becoming exhausting, but it was more than the lack of sleep from having a newborn. I was mentally exhausted, and couldn't find any enjoyment in anything at all. My anxiety levels rose, and I had a couple of panic attacks. I completely lost my appetite. Even now, I haven't really eaten at all."
But the biggest indication that something was wrong is that she suddenly felt like she was no longer enjoying being a mom. "When you have a baby, you should feel on top of the world, and it just makes me feel like I'm not doing enough," Gemma says of her ongoing feelings of guilt.
"It does make you feel like a failure as a parent to have to say to the doctor 'I'm not enjoying my baby as I should' or 'I'm not getting enjoyment out of anything right now'."
Gemma's pregnancy and birth did not take place under normal circumstances, as she spent the entirety of it under Covid-19 lockdown restrictions. It's understandably been difficult, and she speaks of the loneliness and isolation she experienced after being denied contact with family and friends during this new, exciting chapter in her life.
"You don't get to do the normal things that you should be able to do, like even going to the shop to pick out your pram. I couldn't see anyone. And my partner couldn't come into the ward with me or anything until I was in established labour."
While there has been no explicit link between Covid-19 and postnatal depression, a recent study has found that it may be behind a concerning rise in the number of women suffering anxiety and depression before and after childbirth. And this is something that Gemma has wondered about herself: "When I spoke to the doctor, I just didn't know if everything combined over the past year has led to this."
Researchers from Brigham and Women's Hospital in Boston surveyed more than 1,100 pregnant and postpartum women between May and August of last year. They found that 36 per cent had significant levels of depression. Before the pandemic, rates of perinatal depression were around 15 to 20 per cent.
Now, nearly a month on from the birth of Autumn, Gemma is in treatment for postnatal depression. "I've had anxiety in the past, so I was scared I would develop [postnatal depression]," she says. "I think if you've suffered before with poor mental health, you sort of recognize some triggers and you just know that it's more than being a bit emotional or hormonal. I knew that I needed to get something to help balance me out, and get that support, because it would escalate further."
Gemma has now been prescribed anti-depressants, and her GP has referred her to the perinatal mental health team, who are arranging therapy. But despite saying the support has been "really good" – both from her loved ones and from the NHS – Gemma cannot yet see a way out.
When I ask if she's optimistic about her recovery, she replies: "No, not yet. But I'm getting the support, and I hope I'll feel better once the tablets kick in.
"Nothing can prepare you for being a new parent. Whether you're a first-time mum or a mum of three, you have the baby, then you're just sent home. You've got to figure it out. postnatal depression in particular is brushed under the carpet. They don't warn you about the things to look out for. So you're left to your own devices. And so many of us suffer in silence."
If you or a loved one is struggling with postnatal depression, please have a look at PANDAS, which provides PND awareness and support.
*Hosted by the Mental Health Foundation, Mental Health Awareness Week runs from 10-16 May, 2021
