Great news, everyone! We got a bonafide Christmas miracle! No, not peace on Earth, or an end to poverty, or an agreement by all global leaders to fight climate change because if we don't do anything top scientists say the impact on our economy and the planet will be devastating. Nobody cares about that crap! I'm talking about Offset and Cardi B reuniting over the weekend to bone. It's a Christmas miracle!
Offset and Cardi B got married in September 2017 and have one child, a baby girl named Kulture. Unfortunately, they "grew out of love," according to Cardi - possibly because Offset was cheating on her. According to TMZ, Offset was allegedly trying to set up a three-way with two other women, rapper Cuban Doll and Instagram model Summer Bunni. In a tearful video, Bunni apologized to Cardi, claiming, "I didn't know how serious his marriage was!"
Desperate to win Cardi back, Offset stormed the stage during her recent concert in Los Angeles. Like a stunt out of a romantic comedy, he brought a giant banner made out of red and white roses that read "TAKE ME BACK CARDI." Then he delivered an eloquent apology: "I just want to tell you I'm sorry, bruh. In person. In front of the world."
Unfortunately, Cardi was like "Nah, bruh," and ordered the groveling rapper offstage. But all hope wasn't lost. Later, the Bodak Yellow rapper went on Instagram Live and revealed what she misses most about Offset: his penis. "I miss it," confessed Cardi, in between long slurps of coffee. "A lot... I want it... in my throat... inside of me... demolishing me... destroying me."
Well, guess what? Santa Claus must have been listening to Cardi, because her Christmas wish came true!
Last weekend, TMZ published photos of Offset and Cardi B jet skiing off the coast of Puerto Rico. We don't know if the estranged couple are officially back together, but we do they had carnal relations. On Instagram Live, Cardi B explained, "I just had to get f***ed, that’s all. I feel rejuvenated, bitch. Bitch, I feel so rejuvenated. I feel baptized. Bitch, I feel f***ing baptized, bitch. I feel like a brand new f***ng woman."
She has a way with words, doesn't she?
Shortly afterward, Offset confirmed the news by uploading video where he dances triumphantly to Michael Jackson’s The Way You Make Me Feel. The caption?" "P * * * Y K N O C K E D M E O F F M Y F E E T B A B Y 9/20 M E R R Y X M A S." (September 20th is the date they got married.)
So, this Christmas Eve, as you sit down at the dinner table surrounded by family members, remember to tell everyone that Cardi B and Offset had dirty sex all weekend. It's a Christmas miracle! Hallelujah!