Holly Madison has claimed she was "kind of asexual" before meeting Hugh Hefner.
The model, now 42, is opening up about her time living at the Playboy Mansion. She resided at the lavish property from the early 2000s until she and Hugh Hefner split in 2008.
Madison shared her insights in Secrets of Playboy; an A&E documentary that promises to unravel "the glamorous mythology behind the Playboy empire created over several decades".
The 10-part docuseries premiering on A&E on January 24, is set to lift the lid on the "dark underbelly" of Playboy and how its venues became a seedy playground for drug use, sexual abuse, and even bestiality.
The series delves into the hidden truths behind Playboy with exclusive interviews with insiders, including Hefner's ex-girlfriends Holly Madison and Theodore, as well as former 'Bunny Mother' PJ Masten.
In the docuseries, Madison revealed that she always had trouble "connecting with other people" ever since she was a child.
Her mom even suspected Madison has Aspergers, a form of autism spectrum disorder, which is when people have difficulty with social interaction.
"I think I was drawn to try and be in the spotlight because I felt like if I could be famous, that would be a shortcut to feeling a connection with people," she says in the documentary.
When she first went to the Playboy Mansion at the age of 20, Madison saw "a wholesome atmosphere" and craved the sense of community it seemed to offer. Madison says she "was able to buy into" having a relationship with a much older Hefner as she "never connected" with guys her own age.
The first night Madison went out with Hefner and his female companions, he offered her a Quaalude, purportedly telling her "they used to call these thigh-openers in the '70s."
Madison did not take the drug, but admits to drinking heavily.
When they got back to the mansion, she went upstairs with Hefner and the other women.
"There was definitely, like, no romance or seduction or anything like that," Madison recalls of her first night with Hefner, noting there was a movie screen of pornography in front of his bed. The women were surrounding him."
"I never had casual sex with anybody before. I feel like I was kind of really asexual, so maybe I just wasn't ready for that," she says.
"It was all very mechanical and robotic and you would kind of follow the other women's lead. It was really gross to me how Hef didn't want to use protection. The impact it had on me was so heavy. I never expected to be the first person to have sex that night or to be, like, pushed into it."
