Dating - particularly in modern society - is a dangerous game. It has become a hard-to-navigate landscape full of pitfalls and obstacles, where we must pick our way through the thorny bushes and rough terrain that are online dating apps. Due to the complexities of the new dating world, there are more ways now than ever before to mess up a relationship before it's even properly got started.
Everyone has a first date horror story - be it a creepy dude or a standoffish girl, so in the spirit of sharing and laughing at our contemporaries, here are some real-life first date horror stories that will leave you cringing.
1. The messy BBQ"I was on a date and took her to a friends BBQ, afterwards we were walking back to hers and my stomach started feeling a bit dodgy so I told her 'oh my stomach is doing weird things'. She then told me to 'man up', so I told her to walk ahead and not turn around, she did. I then proceeded to shove my fingers down my throat (on the side of the road) and puke. She then turned around and started laughing handed me some gum and we continued to her house."
2. Never judge a book by its cover"We were chatting and the women told me she had liked the look of me and thought I looked tough (ha) later I was telling her about the Studio Ghibli film Grave of the Fireflies, if you haven't heard of it it is the most sad and depressing cartoon I have ever seen. The memory of this film was quite fresh in my mind and I started crying, needless to say we didn't go on a second date."
3. As clumsy as each other!"On a first date, within 5 minutes of meeting the person, I went and bought two vodka doubles, brought it back to the table, slipped and spilt both drinks down the dates front, she spent 30 minutes under a dryer in the toilet before coming back out, I apologised, we continued talking for 5 minutes before she also knocked a drink down myself by accident, we never went for a second date"
4. And they say chivalry is dead"Mate of mine just had a guy surreptitiously try to have a w*nk next to her when they saw Avatar at the cinema, and he made her pay for his ticket."
5. Other coffee shops are available for the clutz in your life"Went to Costa and ordered a large hot chocolate, like the greedy b*stard I am. Just as I went to sit down, I knocked the whole thing over - spilling it onto the table, her jeans, her top, her scarf, her bag and even her college books. It didn't work out."
6. A story worthy of Dickens"I matched with a guy on Tinder and was chatting to him for a week or so, before we decided to take the plunge and meet up. Obviously let the guy decide where we should go on the first date, he suggested a pub I had never heard of, but it was close to where I lived.
7.30 comes and I’m waiting at the bus stop we decided to meet at round the corner from the pub and I see this tall, very tall, guy heading towards me, my internal monologue was telling me to abort mission and run, but my conscience took over and I decided, just one drink.
We head the pub, as what I can only describe as it looked as though it had been shut down for 15years - somehow it was open and actually had punters inside. We go inside and sit down next to a table of men that looked cemented to the bar stools, not the most romantic of locations, but I’m pretty easy to please so I continued. We had drink number 1, and his chat was a bit shit but thought I would give the benefit of the doubt as he seemed a little nervous but that can’t take away from the fact that his chat was toilet. Drunk another double gin and tonic and he was starting to loosen up, telling me about his dogs, and time at university and things were going ok.
3rd drink in, doubles I’ll add and he started getting a bit emotional, telling me this was his last chance at finding a girlfriend and he was giving up after me - this was strike number 1.
Getting drunker and drunker he kept asking me to buy him drinks as he spent all of his money last weekend, I didn’t ask the question as to why, but whats coming next I imagine doesn’t scratch the surface of his antics. I bought another rum and coke for him (chivalry isn’t dead ), to where he began to explain why his bank balance was empty.
He went out with a few friends the previous weekend, so what he described as ‘the lash of all lash’s’, to where he ended up getting so sh*tface drunk, lost of all his mates but actually befriended a 'fine' woman of the night who plied him with a cocktail of narcotics and then paid to sleep with her and 3 friends. This was strike number 2.
At this point I knew I needed to restart that abort of the mission and get the hell outta there. I pleasantly told him I needed to leave as my housemate didn’t have keys (classic) - he stood up, picked up his OVERNIGHT BAG which I hadn’t notice him bring with him when we met, and then told me he had nowhere to stay. I politely told him it wasn’t my problem and got up to leave.
He followed me to the exit and I called my friend to I didn’t have to talk to him and said goodbye. I started to walk home, only a 10 minute walk and the Ubers were taking ages, I just needed to get out of his presence as there was high chance he was a serious freak. About 5 or 6 minutes into my walk I realised he was walking about 10 metres behind me, I stopped and told him to leave me alone and he then started crying and told me he had nowhere to go and couldn’t get back cause the last train had finished.
This is where I made a very silly mistake.
The kind hearted person I am I told him he could sleep on my sofa if he needed, but he had to leave first thing in the morning and if he touched me / anything I would call the police.
We had an awkward walk home, got into my house, showed him the sofa and I went to bed.. I woke up in the morning for a glass of water to forget that there was a random strange tall man on my sofa. As I walk downstairs I found him violently masturbating over a picture of Charlotte church ( which was in the newspaper I will add ). He saw me, panicked, but then finished everywhere all over his t-shirt… This was Strike number 3.
His final line before I swiftly kicked him out my house was ‘oh for gods sake its all over my t-shirt and I haven’t got a clean one to wear tomorrow now’.
Moral of the story is, never invite a stranger back to your flat after he’s spoken about sleeping with prostitutes while high on drugs, never leave a copy of the newspaper on your living room table and actually.. an overnight bag does not mean that there is a change of outfit inside…"
7. He obviously really, really liked you"I had been on a first day with a guy and we ended up going back to his place. He loved tea.. So made two cups of tea and asked me to take them through to his room. Needless to say, I was very drunk, and as a consequence I slipped, poured the two cups of scalding hot tea all over myself and fell into his bedroom window, smashing it. We kept dating for three months after that."
8. Paint me like one of your French girls, but never, ever order for me again"This was a second date; the first had been underwhelming, but I decided to give it another try because she seemed nice.
"We met for dinner, where she proceeded to tell me that she wanted to go for a walk first. I didn’t bat an eyelid as it was a nice night, but she then took me to a portrait gallery (important to know I’m not an art fan) where she lectured me like a teacher for over an hour about the collected works of Pablo Picasso.
"After this expensive and boring detour (she had a discount card which funnily she could only use for her entry) we finally went to dinner. Pretty much the only thing in the world I don’t eat is meat on the bone - but out of politeness, I let her order for us both. I ended up spending an hour picking at the smallest, boniest, and most disgusting guinea fowl carcass, trying not to vomit, telling her how lovely all the paintings had been.
"Worst night ever."
9. Not even sure where to start with this one"I was on a date with a guy who told my name was a dog’s name and started to bark at me and at the end of the date he said 'stay safe, stay cool'"
10. Dates don't get much more expensive than this"I missed the last train home, so my date offered for me to stay at his. I refused because I really needed to get home. So he booked me an uber, but the postcode was wrong. I fell asleep and woke up in a city miles and miles away from where I live. The next time I saw him I offered to give him money for the taxi - he said 'you won’t want to - it cost £420.'"
Dating is a nightmare, I think we can all agree on that; but the problems don't stop there because once you get into a serious relationship, you've got all sorts of other things to worry about. Love; can't live with it, can't live without it.
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