As happy as you are with your sex life, there's always something new you could be trying out in the bedroom - or so the magazines will tell you, anyway. You don't really need to involve food in your intimate moments, nor do you have any kind of obligation to take part in some sort of Fifty Shades sexscapade, but some sort of advice column somewhere is bound to tell you it's a good idea.
Unfortunately, not all sex tips are good ones (and, I mean, us human beings have been doing the dirty for a few thousand years now - we already know what's good and what isn't), and even more of them are totally awful. Here's just a brief selection of the worst bits of "advice" people have been given...
1. "Use a fork to put pressure on different parts of your partner's body"In other words, "engage in a little light stabbing to get you in the mood."
2. "Softly bite the skin of his scrotum"Just reading that hurt my balls. And I don't even have balls.
3. "Tug on your other half's pubic hairs"I bet even the most serious BDSM-ers wouldn't dare go to this level of pain.
4. "Feed each other ice cream in the dark - not being able to see means there's more mess to lick up"Yeah, cause nothing turns a person on more than melted Ben and Jerry's on the sheets.
5. "Sprinkle some pepper under his nose before he climaxes, as sneezing can feel similar to an orgasm"Should I chuck a little salt in his eyes while I'm at it?
6. "Put body paint on your breasts and use them to 'sponge paint' your partner"This is the most NSFW kindergarten class I've ever heard of.
7. "Cook naked for your other half"I can't imagine someone getting splashed by hot oil and thinking, "Wow, I'm really in the mood right now."
8. "Handle his junk like you're opening a jar"I'm no qualified sexpert, but this sounds more like torture than foreplay.
9. "Put attention-grabbing sequins around your nipples to dazzle your partner"Why not go the whole hog and wear a clown nose or a horse mask? That'd certainly grab my attention.
10. "Make out with your other half's toes"Maybe I'm just being heartless here, but I don't think I've ever loved anyone enough to do this.
11. "Put temporary tattoos of their name on your body"Because being a grade-A obsessive stalker is so in right now.
12. "Eat a donut from around his penis"A simple rule of thumb: if it sounds like a challenge from a Japanese game show, it probably won't be sexy.
13. "Lick the palm of her hand in public to let her know you're in the mood"Or, you know, don't.
14. "Use your bra to tie your partner's hands behind their back"So, you want me to ruin this very expensive piece of underwear to tie a useless knot? Not happening.
Basically, if you've ever come across these tips in a magazine before and thought that you must be super vanilla for not wanting to try them out: don't worry, you're not. But by all means please do give these a go if you and your partner both think it's a good idea. Just don't come crying to me when you end up with ice cream stains on your pillows and sugar all up in your junk.