In a brave protest against his own masculinity, perhaps a meta piece of performance art, a would-be robber accidentally shot himself in the d**k while trying to hold up a hot dog stand. The 19-year-old is currently in Christ Hospital, according to the Chicago Sun-Times, nursing his wounds. He'll soon be visiting the Leighton Criminal Courthouse on two counts of armed robbery, giving him not much to look forward to after he recovers.
Apparently, he had tried to stick up the hot dog stand around 6 a.m. on Halloween, and was found slumped over on the steps of a building across the street, after accidentally gunning down his own crotch. He had tried to flee the scene, but his .38 caliber firearm had gone off in his pants, and it's incredibly difficult to run away after being shot in the d**k. I can't imagine how painful it is. Could any free hot dogs really be worth it?
Plus, robbing a hot dog stand is just not good business. At 6 in the morning, how much cash do you think the average hot dog stand has on hand? Exactly, not very much at all. Maybe like 20 bucks? Although I'm not in the hot dog business, so for all I know they're loaded.
Apparently, the workers at the stand were loading up a bucket full of cash when they accidentally tipped it over. Butterfingers, right? So, the 19-year-old robber tried to scramble and pick up the bills while keeping his gun aimed at the employees. Amateur! Any real robber would totally just order the employees to pick up the bills as he stood watch with the gun. But ah well.
Anyway, as he tried to run away at the end of it all, he adjusted his gun in his waistband and it went off - firing a bullet directly into the only hope he ever had of having children and living a complete life. It's honestly quite tragic. To make a huge mistake like that at age 19 and pay for it with your genetic heritage - that's crazy cruel. He was very young, and even the beloved celebrity Mark Wahlberg infamously once beat and blinded two Vietnamese men for no reason other than racial aggression. Seriously. If he can be reformed after that, why not this would-be robber?
What do you think of all this? It's a pretty absurd start to Halloween in Chicago, and a bad ending to one poor kid's entire romantic life. Police were able to identify him by his boxers, which matched the ones seen in the video recorded when he stooped down to pick up the bills, and were later spotted soaked in blood. See, once again, this is why he shouldn't have stooped to pick up the money himself.
Getting shot in the stomach is one of the most painful experiences ever, so the groin is probably unimaginable. I would hope to go into shock and pass out, and then awaken, with hospital bills and a court case to deal with...
