Alec Baldwin has opened up about the emotional toll of the 2021 Rust shooting, as well as the impact it has had on his health.
The 66-year-old actor became the center of controversy on October 21, 2021, after a prop gun he was holding discharged during a scene on the set of the Western film Rust.
A round tragically killed 42-year-old cinematographer Halyna Hutchins and injured director Joel Souza.
The armorer on the set of Rust – Hannah Gutierrez-Reed – was found guilty of involuntary manslaughter on April 15 and received the maximum possible sentence which in this case was 18 months.
Baldwin, who was charged with involuntary manslaughter, has consistently denied pulling the trigger, maintaining that he was unaware the gun contained real ammunition.
The case against Baldwin was dismissed in July 2024, but now, the actor revealed that the psychological aftermath still lingers.
"Why Am I Still Here?"
The 66-year-old actor shared his struggles in the premiere episode of his family’s new TLC reality series, The Baldwins, where he and his wife, Hilaria Baldwin, spoke candidly about the darkest moments of their lives since the accident.
Revealing that he was diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) in the wake of the tragic on-set death, Hilaria shared, according to PEOPLE: “He was diagnosed with PTSD, and he says in his darkest moments, ‘If an accident had to have happened this day, why am I still here? Why couldn’t it have been me?’”
Speaking directly to her husband, she added: “You wake up in the morning and you’re like, ‘Oh god, why did I wake up?’”
Baldwin admitted he found it difficult to explain his emotions, recalling a moment when a friend asked him how he was doing.
“I said, ‘I’m happier when I’m asleep than when I’m awake,’” he confessed in the episode, which debuts on February 23.
Struggling to Cope
Describing the experience as “surreal,” Baldwin told Hilaria that he still finds it hard to believe what their family has been through.
“I always feel more in pain about you than me,” he told his wife. “Because I think to myself, well, you know, I’m going to try my best to just get through it, and I think what it’s done to you and how much it’s hurt you and everything.”
In a confessional, Baldwin reflected on how deeply the past year had affected him.
“This past year was just terrible. There were times I’d lay in bed, I’d go, ‘Wow, my kids. I can’t get up.’ That’s not like me. I’m not like that at all, not in any way am I like that. Never.”
Finding Strength in Family
Despite their grief, the couple credits their children for helping them push forward.
“I look at the kids, and I see how hard we’re trying to create happy for them, even if we’re masking stuff for ourselves,” Hilaria, 41, said. “I know that what we’re going through is maybe unique, but every family goes through hard times.”
Baldwin echoed the sentiment, acknowledging that his seven children have been his anchor through the turmoil.
“Honestly, from the bottom of my soul, I don’t know where I’d be if I didn’t have you and these kids going through this. I never would have made it with this,” he said. “Sometimes I’d say, ‘Why did I have seven kids? Why do we have seven kids?’ And I realize, to help carry me and you through this situation.”
The Baldwin Family
The couple shares seven children -- daughters Ilaria Catalina Irena, 2, María Lucía Victoria, 3, and Carmen Gabriela, 11, and sons Eduardo “Edu” Pao Lucas, 4, Romeo Alejandro David, 6, Leonardo Ángel Charles, 7, and Rafael Thomas, 9
Baldwin also has a 28-year-old daughter, Ireland Baldwin, from his previous marriage to Kim Basinger.
As Baldwin continues to navigate the fallout of the Rust tragedy, his family remains at the center of his healing process.
Viewers can watch the first episode of The Baldwins on February 23 on TLC.