Ladies and gentlemen, pizza is a lot of things. Delicious, cheesy, saucy, versatile, portable; the list goes on - I could go on all day about my love for pizza - but one thing that this legendary dish is not is useful. Sure, pizza is delicious, and useful in the sense that it keeps you alive (nominally so you can eat more pizza), but you'd think it doesn't do anything more than... just be a food.
Well, guys, we didn't really think we'd need pizza to be more than a meal, but that's why we have Florida; the American state pushing the limits of reality, in a way that few places around the world can match. Next up, in our seemingly endless list of Florida shenanigans, pizza is repurposed as a weapon.
That in itself is weird, but not quite completely unique; however the motive for this attack, as you'll see, is pretty wild. Let's dive into exactly what happened, though I'm still not entirely sure myself.
Okay, so here is exactly what we do know: Robert Houston, a 33-year-old in Holiday, in the district of Pasco County, Florida, ordered a pizza, and waited for it out on his front porch.
Before long, his pizza would arrive, and shortly after that, Houston's father would return, having left the house to walk the dogs. He'd probably have wanted a taste of the pizza, but not in the way that ended up unfolding on this Florida front porch.
The Pasco County Sheriff's Office were called to the home, where they walked into a grisly crime scene, splattered with red. On closer inspection, the red matter was found to be in fact pizza sauce, and the presence of chunks of cheese and a suspicious pizza slice confirmed there had been a cheesy attack.
But what had prompted the pizza attack?
This is where things get weird. The police report states that Houston slammed his pizza into his father's face because he was... mad that his father helped his mother give birth to him. Yeah, I don't know either, folks. Let's hear it from the cop who made the arrest report:
"On the listed date and time I made contact with the defendant who was walking towards me away from the home. He walked up to me and turned around putting his hands behind his back saying he knows I'm going to take him to jail.
In a non-custodial interview, I asked him why I would take him to jail to which he said he threw pizza at his dads [sic] face striking him with it due to him being mad his dad helped give birth to him."
It's still not known why exactly this news set Houston off, but what we do know is that the 33-year-old was charged with domestic battery, though he'll escape prosecution for the (in my opinion, much worse) crime of abusing pizza. You can't get 'em all, I guess.
