We've gotten very attached to our apps. Without Google Maps, we wouldn't know where we're going. Without Tindr, we'd have to ask people out in real life (the horror, the horror). And without Facebook, it would be harder to stalk people. We'd never know if we were really "friends" with someone, and we'd have to go to high school reunions to see how fat people got. So inconvenient.
Imagine one of those apps you depend on every day stopped working. It's a terrifying thought, enough to make you lose your mind and go full Tom-Hanks-In-Castaway. That's what happened on Monday, when Snapchat went down. We thought the world would end through nuclear war, the sun dying out or an asteroid the size of a mountain. Instead, it ended with the Snap-ocalypse - the Four Horsemen marched across the Earth, with Dog Filter Faces.
People use Snapchat to share photos and videos of all their incredibly fascinating life - and to watch photos and videos of everyone else's incredibly fascinating lives. However, on Monday evening, the app went offline for at least two hours. People were unable to share new stories. Instead, they received a "cannot connect to server" message. It was like they ceased to exist, and everyone else did as well, a string of digital deaths turning the world in a dark, shapeless void.
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Snapchat assured users they were "looking into the issue" and "working on a fix". Some people remained calm.
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Others broke down in an existential crisis, having come face-swap to face-swap with their own mortality.
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Impatient for Snapchat to fix things, some users tried their own strategies.
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Others sought refuge in other mobile apps, like Twitter, which noticed a big jump in traffic.
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But Twitter can't replace Snapchat. That's like saying Friendster can Facebook, or Jeremy Renner can replace Matt Damon as Jason Bourne. Ridiculous. Still, #Snapchatdown took off as a hashtag, giving refuge to distraught Snapchatters much like the Red Cross gave refuge to victims of Hurricane Irma, Harvey and Maria.
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Worst of all, users worried they'd lose their "Snapstreaks" - numbered emjoiis that show how many consecutive days users have messaged other. Without these streaks, how would you know you ever communicated, or had any relationship, or made any impact in another person's life?
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Luckily, Snapchat Support came up with a solution.
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By filing a claim, users can petition Snapchat and keep their number of streaks! Can you imagine feeling such joy? It must be how people feel when the doctor gives them a 25% chance of living, and then they beat the fatal disease, against all odds.
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So far President
Trump has not commented on the Snap-ocalpyse - or Snap-narok - but hopefully the government will send aid to Snapchat headquarters, as they work tiressly on a fix. We need apps to do everything in our lives, and when when we lose them, we lose a piece of yourselves. To quote the great poet Allen Ginsberg:
"I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by madness,
starving hysterical naked,
when an app went down for two hours."
