Cheating is almost universally maligned as one of the worst things you can do in a
. Being an extreme breach of trust, infidelity can destroy once-solid relationships, putting years of love, memories and sheer hard work to waste. And in the majority of cases, it's not something that can be condoned either.
There's really no excuse for locking lips (or more) with another human being, no matter how many tequila shots you consumed prior to the fact, and no matter how strained your relationship had been leading up to the incident. Seriously, its all about self-control, folks, and if you're having to try really hard to stop yourself from getting it on with a perfect stranger, it may be time to re-evaluate your
.
Now, while most people assume cheaters to comprise a specific demographic, chiefly; young, male and immature, anyone can cheat. But while relationship counsellor and psychotherapist Esther Perel doesn't deny that cheating can be an incredibly painful and traumatic experience, she has made a case for relaxing our views on infidelity. And these are her reasons why...
1. Cheating has probably affected everyone you know
When you think about it, you'll probably realise that you've experienced cheating in some capacity or the other. Whether that's cheating or being cheated on, having a parent that's been unfaithful, or even having a friend confide in you about infidelity. Perel states that acknowledging how common cheating is is the first step to breaking down and analysing the taboo that surrounds it.
2. Cheating is more complicated than most people assume
While cheating may seem relatively black and white, in reality, it's never as simple as it first seems. As Perel says, "It can't just be a good person and a bad person. This conversation is wrong." She adds that the assumption that the cheater is inherently bad can lead to a serious misunderstanding of cheating as it erases all the feelings and experiences that play into the decision to cheat. By better understanding such things, people are able to practice a more compassionate approach to infidelity, and won't rush to cut someone completely out of their lives because of it.
3. Equating cheating with shame only makes it more painful
Perel stresses that all the judgement that surrounds cheating is ultimately the most harmful to people who have experienced it, which is pretty much everyone. She says, "People can tell you they're divorced, they will not tell you they have experienced infidelity". "This becomes one of the most isolating experiences", she adds. To this end, those who have experienced cheating find it difficult to talk openly about their experiences, and it also makes it harder for couples to work through infidelity and repair their relationships.
4. Cheating is hardly ever about sex
Perel asserts that one of the big reasons why people cheat has nothing to do with wanting to have sex with someone they find attractive. Rather, for people who have been in long-term relationships, it's got more to do with gaining some much-needed individuality. "Suddenly you have an
affair, and for the first time, you are doing something that is just for you," she says. "What you're doing is reconnecting with lost parts of yourself, with a different version of you, with a sense of aliveness."
5. Likewise, you can have an affair without having sex
Perel urges us to rethink what exactly we define as "cheating". "What you are experiencing is an experience of desire," she states. "Affairs are not about sex - affairs are about desire for connection, for intensity, for physical touch, for feeling alive. You can have a whole affair with no sex, and it is just as intense and as passionate as if you had actually had the act. It is more enchantment than performance."
6. Some occasional jealousy doesn't have to be a bad thing
While jealousy is a decidedly negative emotion, a little jealousy in moderation never did hurt anyone. As Perel asserts, jealousy is "part of the erotic self". "It is intrinsic to love. It reconnects people with a part of their erotic self, it is part of the erotic - that darker corner of the erotic," she adds.
Well, there you have it. Next time you hear about a cheating spouse or girlfriend, refrain from immediately jumping to conclusions. The situation is probably a lot more complex than you think.
