Our terrestrial lives are governed by immutable laws that provide a comforting sense of stability. The sun rises in the east and sets in the west. If you jump into the air, gravity pulls you back down. And if you walk into a Taco Bell, a cornucopia of pleasures awaits you in the form of delicious customizable tacos.
However, one poor soul in Slidell, Louisiana reportedly visited a Taco Bell on Gause Boulevard and discovered there was not one taco to be found. Not a Loaded Nacho Taco, not a Cheesy Gorditos Crunch, and certainly not a Fiery Doritos Locos Taco Supreme. What kind of Taco Bell doesn't sell tacos?! The very thought twists your brain into a knot.
When faced with this nightmarish scenario, the taco lover did what any sane person could do: call the police. After all, the Louisiana state motto is "Courtesy, Loyalty, Service!" Surely that must apply to tacos! On Facebook, The Slidell Police Department reported the harrowing query they received, but be warned: Their reply was cold comfort.
"It’s been a while, but another 'we can’t make this stuff up' story," the department wrote. "Somebody called in to complain that the Taco Bell on Gause Boulevard ran out of both hard and soft taco shells. While this is truly a travesty, the police can’t do anything about this. Hopefully, they are replenished in time for Taco Tuesday!"
Yes, hopefully they are, Slidell Police Department. If Taco Bells no longer contain tacos, then perhaps the sun will not rise in the east, and when we jump into the air, gravity will not pull us back down, and we'll float helplessly higher and higher, drifting up into the black void of space, where our suffocated, mummified bodies will float throughout the cosmos, our mouths frozen open from the last word we screamed: TACOOOOS!