As we try to find love in this crazy world, we all stumble into bad relationships, and have a few exes we absolutely hate. (Looking at you, Stacy, you black hole of happiness, sucking the joy out of everyone you touch.) When we're with friends, we talk trash about these former partners, and it feels pretty good. But you know what's even better? An act of petty revenge!
The Hemsley Conservation Centre, located in Kent, England, created a clever promotion for Valentine's Day. For the reasonable price of $2 (£1.50), you can name one of their cockroaches after your worthless ex. You will receive a certificate confirming the purchase, and your ex's name will be proudly displayed at the zoo's cockroach exhibit. And it's all for a good cause, as the money will fund projects at the conservation centre. Everybody wins! (Except your ex.)
A statement from the center read: "For those that don’t quite require revenge, there’s another way to make you feel better about getting back at your ex this Valentine’s Day. We are offering the chance to name a cockroach in honour of your worthless ex-‘someone’ on this special holiday of love."
It continued: "We are highlighting these ‘bottom of the barrel’ creatures through our ‘name a cockroach programme’ (we think adopt is a little too strong, after all – you probably don’t want to adopt your ex) to raise money for our projects at the zoo."
Sure, you could just wait to spot a cockroach outside, or in your nasty-ass apartment, and claim it's named after your ex. But it's just not the same, is it? On Twitter, some proudly petty people confirmed that they used the service, either for themselves or on behalf of their friends. Hey Pete Davidson, this is your chance! Name one after Ariana Grande!
In case naming a roach after your former lover isn't enough, there's another, grosser option for revenge: sending your ex a fart in a jar. The company Farts Direct specializes in this service, which is very much a thing. Here's how it works: You go on their website and pickbetween several pungent aromas, including Sprout Stench, Curry Napalm and Stuffing Shart. Then you write a personalized (or anonymous) note, which they print off, tie with a lovely bow and stick in the jar. When the recipient opens the jar to retrieve the note, they get a face full of stank.
Farts Direct offered smelly little presents during the holiday season, and now they're encouraging customers to do it again for Valentine's Day. The website claims their gifts are perfect for arrogant friends, roommates, cubemates, and of course, ex-boyfriends and ex-girlfriends. (Looking at you, Stacy, you festering sack of trash, hope you enjoy huffing Curry Napalm.) Yes, these are petty acts of revenge, but at least they're harmless. Better than smashing your ex's car with a baseball bat.
