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Woman who has decided to end her own life aged 26 reveals tragic thing she had on 'f*** it list' of things to do before she dies
A 26-year-old woman preparing to access voluntary assisted dying has revealed the heartbreaking thing she has on her "f*** it" list.
Annalise Holland, from Adelaide, has lived with chronic illness since she was 12 and was diagnosed with the rare condition Autoimmune Autonomic Ganglionopathy (AAG) at 18.
AAG causes the immune system to attack the autonomic nervous system. Although the condition is not always fatal, Holland was told by doctors that the damage to her body was severe.
She has not eaten a meal in 10 years and relies entirely on total parenteral nutrition (TPN), which delivers nutrition directly into her bloodstream through the last viable vein in her chest.
"If this vein gets blocked, then basically there’s no way of giving me hydration or food… you basically starve to death," she told A Current Affair.
Holland created a 'f*** it' list before she dies
After being informed that she has less than a year to live, Holland has chosen to access Australia's voluntary assisted dying program (VAD).
She has already selected the date on which she plans to die, although she has chosen to keep it private. "The most important thing is protecting my family," she said.
Knowing she will not reach old age, Holland has focused on experiencing as much as she can while she is still able to do so.
She created a "f*** it" list, which consists of 20 experiences she wants to have.
In a recent interview on the Empower House Podcast with Emma Georgiadis, Holland said the list is "mainly things to do that people normally get to experience".
She has already rented her own apartment, flown in a helicopter, and tried on a wedding dress so she could see her father's reaction.
But one item on the list is especially painful: she wants to watch a baby being born.
'Not being able to be a mother' is what hurts her most
For Holland, witnessing a birth will allow her to experience something connected to the future she knows she will never have.
"The bit that destroys me the most about all of this and always makes me cry is not being able to be a mother, and that's really, really hard when, oh, when you're 26, and all your friends are having babies or announcing pregnancies, and it's hard, not gonna lie, it's hard,” she said.
"I love seeing it, but it's hard because I want that life so bad," she added.
Trying on a wedding dress had a similar meaning, as it gave Holland and her family a chance to create a happier memory with her loved ones.
"You know, I got to try on a wedding dress, I got to have that little moment 'Cause I got to create these memories with my family, because everything is bad memories with us at the moment," she said.
"There's nothing to go like, 'Oh, remember that nice moment?' It's all like, you know, 'Oh, that time you had to be resuscitated,' or, 'You know, that time you almost died,' or like everything... It's so negative, so it's like nice to have a positive memory.
"It's also nice to do it when I look more like myself, because I feel like I'm losing it moment by moment now, like teeth and hair and face shape," she added.
Holland has already chosen when she will die
Voluntary assisted dying is currently available in every Australian state and territory except the Northern Territory.
Under the eligibility details supplied, it is available to people with a condition expected to cause death within six to 12 months, as assessed by two specially trained doctors.
Holland said deciding when she would die "was a really happy thing," and explained that years of serious illness had changed the way she viewed death.
"When you've been sick for such a long time, it becomes something that's not so scary.
"It sounds strange, but it's incredibly empowering," she told the Hack podcast.
Holland's palliative care specialist and VAD practitioner, Dr. Chloe Furst, who will guide her through her final goodbyes, has defended the 26-year-old's decision amid criticism over her age.
"Why prolong suffering and have reduced dignity when we have an option that gives people that choice?", she told A Current Affair.
She added: "Annie’s suffering is no more or less than someone that’s 90."
Her views on assisted dying changed after becoming seriously ill
Holland revealed that she was once opposed to voluntary assisted dying herself.
"I used to be one of those people who was actually against voluntary assisted dying," she said. "It wasn't until I got sick that my views on it completely changed."
Her understanding of the option also changed after meeting Lily Thai, a 23-year-old who also suffered from AAG.
Thai accessed voluntary assisted dying in 2023, months after South Australia's laws came into effect.
"We just had the most beautiful friendship in that time and spent nearly every day together," Holland recalled. "I pinky-promised her I'd do anything she wanted me to do, so I held her hand as she underwent VAD.
"She was so ready and so brave," she added.