Relationships3 min(s) read
Published 09:22 01 Jul 2026 GMT
A leading sex therapist believes one common relationship mistake is quietly damaging couples' sex lives, and it has little to do with attraction or love.
According to licensed sex therapist Vanessa Marin, many long-term partners don't stop wanting intimacy. Instead, they stop asking for it because they're afraid of being rejected.
Speaking to the New York Post, Marin explained that this issue often goes unnoticed because couples rarely argue about it directly.
"Couples don't always fight about it openly; they just slowly stop reaching for each other," she said.
Marin, who co-authored the bestselling relationship guide Sex Talks, estimates that around 83% of couples either avoid initiating sex altogether, struggle to do it effectively or regularly end up feeling hurt during the process.
She believes fear of hearing "no" leads many people to avoid making a clear request. Instead, they rely on subtle hints or indirect gestures that leave room for plausible deniability.
Whether it's an awkward touch, wandering toward the bedroom or making an offhand comment about having free time, Marin says these approaches often backfire.
"If you don't fully put yourself out there, it doesn't hurt as much when you're turned down," she explained.
But avoiding vulnerability comes at a cost.
"Nobody wants to have sex with someone who can't properly state what they want," she added.
Research also supports her view. A 2025 study found that people experiencing high levels of shame or fear of intimacy were much less likely to initiate sex, not because they lacked desire, but because the possibility of rejection felt emotionally risky.
Marin also believes unrealistic portrayals of romance in films and television have shaped expectations around intimacy.
She pointed to the familiar movie scene where two people exchange a glance before immediately ending up in bed, saying many couples mistakenly believe real-life desire should unfold the same way.
Instead, she argues that healthy intimacy requires communication and intention.
"You have to know your partner, you have to say what you want, and you have to navigate 'no' gracefully," she said.
To help couples reconnect, Marin recommends a strategy she calls "The Simmer," which focuses on building closeness long before either partner initiates sex.
That could include sending a thoughtful text during the day, helping with household chores or sharing affection without expecting it to lead anywhere.
She also encourages couples to discuss what actually makes them feel desired by asking each other to list three specific ways they'd like intimacy to be initiated.
"The goal," she says, is to make initiation feel like "an invitation someone actually wants to accept."
Marin believes initiation styles are often as personal as love languages, with many people instinctively approaching sex in the same way they'd prefer to be approached themselves.
While one partner may enjoy romance and anticipation, another may appreciate a much more direct approach.
"A partner who knows exactly how to invite you in and make you feel desired is so much hotter than someone just lunging at you and hoping for the best," Marin said.
