Health5 min(s) read
Published 12:03 22 Jun 2026 GMT
Talking openly with a partner about what feels good during sex is often encouraged. Whether it's asking someone to slow down, change position, or add extra stimulation, clear communication can improve the experience for both people.
That said, it has been revealed which words and phrases are turn-offs for men when they’re trying to maintain an erection.
Some men say one particular, three-word phrase can unexpectedly have the opposite effect, and it isn’t what you’d think.
The words "Don't stop, harder" may sound like encouragement, but for some men, they can create pressure that affects both their performance and their hard-on.
One Reddit user explained: "As a male I often hear this from my female partners," particularly during rougher sex.
He admitted that when he hears it, he pushes himself to meet the request, but sometimes it backfires. "I seem to give it my all in these moments until it becomes uncomfortable which at times I lose the erection. It just triggers an insecurity that I may be a disappointment sexually."
Sex and relationships expert Gigi Engle says reactions to the phrase vary widely. While plenty of men enjoy hearing it, others can interpret it as criticism or feel they are being tested.
According to Engle, problems arise when someone assumes the phrase is universally arousing.
"Where we run into a pitfall is assuming it's really hot [to hear this], when for some, they'll feel like they can't cum too quickly or they'll be a failure," she explained.
For some men, hearing "don't stop, harder" can create anxiety that they're not satisfying their partner, particularly if they already feel they're putting in maximum effort.
"Or they might be going as hard as they can and then feel like 'okay, I guess I'm not good enough', so it can create performance pressure," Engle added.
Psychotherapist Alec Williams, who works with men dealing with relationship and intimacy issues, says this can become a cycle.
"For many men, this can become a self-fulfilling cycle," he said. "They focus so much on performance and 'getting it right' they get stuck in their own head."
He continued: "Naturally this can affect how their bodies respond, leading often to losing erections or not being able to orgasm, which creates more internal pressure for the next encounter."
Ironically, the phrase can sometimes have the opposite effect of what's intended.
Engle notes that if a man is already close to orgasm, hearing "don't stop, harder" could push him over the edge sooner than planned.
"If they're on the verge of ejaculating and you say 'don't stop, harder', they might just ejaculate, which can cause a shame spiral," she said.
Even when there is no psychological pressure is involved, responding by increasing speed and intensity can be physically demanding.
"If you're going harder or more vigorously than you'd like to, it can wear you out and getting tired is going to make your erection go down, or cause delayed ejaculation," Engle explained.
She added that excessive stimulation can sometimes lead to premature ejaculation instead. "It can also go the opposite way where you prematurely ejaculate because of so much stimulation."
In rare cases, vigorous sex can also increase the risk of injury. Engle warned that if the penis slips out and is thrust back at an awkward angle, a penile fracture is possible. She also advised uncircumcised men to use lubrication under the foreskin to avoid tearing.
"If something hurts, stop," she stressed.
Both experts agree that communication remains the best solution.
One important point is that "harder" doesn't necessarily mean "faster."
"Firstly, harder doesn't always mean faster, it can mean deeper thrusts that are really slow," Engle said. "It doesn't necessarily mean intense, vigorous jack-hammering and most people don't like that anyway."
She suggests asking a partner what they specifically mean when they use the phrase, helping avoid assumptions and reducing pressure.
"Your partner contextualising what they're saying can be really helpful in alleviating that pressure," she added.
Williams agrees, recommending honest conversations about comfort levels and emotional needs.
"Having an open conversation with your partner about how you're feeling during sex, and what would help you to feel a greater sense of safety and connectedness could work," he said.
For women who enjoy using the phrase, Engle recommends discussing it beforehand and checking that it doesn't create anxiety for their partner.
She suggested saying: "I know for some people this can create pressure, and I don't want to create that situation for you, is that something you like?"
Williams also encourages men who struggle with performance anxiety to focus less on outcomes and more on connection.
"Cultivating kind, compassionate self-talk and reframing sex to focus on connection, mutual enjoyment, and presence with a partner, rather than solely on achieving orgasm" can help, he explained.
"This can often reduce pressure and improve the sexual experience for both people."
