Open communication in the bedroom is often sold as the key to better sex, but one common three-word phrase some women use in the heat of the moment may be having the opposite effect for some men.

According to sex expert Gigi Engle and psychotherapist Alec Williams, the phrase “Don’t stop, harder” can trigger anxiety, self-doubt, and even erection loss for some partners, despite often being intended as encouragement. For some men, what sounds like praise can be interpreted as pressure.

One Reddit user, James, summed up the issue bluntly, writing: “As a male, I often hear this from my female partners. Especially when going rough from behind.

“I seem to give it my all in these moments until it becomes uncomfortable, which at times I lose the erection. It just triggers an insecurity that I may be a disappointment sexually.”

Why the phrase can create pressure

Experts say the problem is not the words themselves, but what some men hear beneath them.

“Where we run into a pitfall is assuming it’s really hot [to hear this], when for some, they’ll feel like they can’t cum to too quickly or they’ll be a failure,” Gigi told Metro.

“Or they might be going as hard as they can and then feel like ‘okay, I guess I’m not good enough’, so it can create performance pressure.”

Alec Williams says that pressure can quickly spiral. “For many men, this can become a self-fulfilling cycle,” he told Metro. “They focus so much on performance and ‘getting it right,’ they get stuck in their own head.

“Naturally, this can affect how their bodies respond, leading often to losing erections or not being able to orgasm, which creates more internal pressure for the next encounter.”

Engle also notes the phrase can backfire physically as well as mentally. “If they’re on the verge of ejaculating and you say ‘don’t stop, harder’, they might just ejaculate, which can cause a shame spiral,” she adds.

There can also be a practical issue. Trying to go harder or faster than is comfortable can lead to fatigue, erection loss, delayed ejaculation, or, in rare cases, even injury.

“If you’re going harder or more vigorously than you’d like to, it can wear you out, and getting tired is going to make your erection go down, or cause delayed ejaculation,” Gigi explains. “It can also go the opposite way, where you prematurely ejaculate because of so much stimulation.”

She also warns: “If you’re uncircumcised, you’ll want to place lube under the foreskin, too, because if you’re going really hard, it can snag and tear, so be mindful. If something hurts, stop.”

What “harder” might actually mean

One key takeaway from both experts is that “harder” may not mean what some men assume it does.

“Firstly, harder doesn’t always mean faster; it can mean deeper thrusts that are really slow,” Gigi says. “It doesn’t necessarily mean intense, vigorous jack-hammering, and most people don’t like that anyway.”

That misunderstanding alone can create unnecessary pressure. Engle suggests asking a partner what they mean in the moment or discussing it beforehand.

“Your partner contextualizing what they’re saying can be really helpful in alleviating that pressure,” she adds.

Alec agrees that honest conversation can make a major difference.

“Having an open conversation with your partner about how you’re feeling during sex, and what would help you to feel a greater sense of safety and connectedness could work,” he says.

For women who enjoy using the phrase, Engle says talking about it before sex may help avoid confusion, including asking a partner: “I know for some people this can create pressure, and I don’t want to create that situation for you. Is that something you like?”

Reframing sex away from performance

For men who struggle with pressure in bed, Alec says the solution may lie in changing how they think about sex altogether.

He recommends “cultivating kind, compassionate self-talk and reframing sex to focus on connection, mutual enjoyment, and presence with a partner, rather than solely on achieving orgasm”, something he says can also be explored in therapy.

“This can often reduce pressure and improve the sexual experience for both people,” he explains.

For some, “Don’t stop, harder” may sound exciting. For others, it can hit a nerve. Experts say the difference often comes down to communication, interpretation and making sure both partners are clear on what feels good, physically and emotionally.

Featured image credit: Oleksandr Sharkov / Getty

It's exciting when you find someone who actually wants to have sex with you, and you don't want to do anything to mess it up. It's a serious, passionate act. You want to be charming, seductive and impressive, so hopefully your partner will let you do it again. (And again and again and again.)

When you're between the sheets, the last thing you want is an awkward moment, like your roommate walking in, or your body making a weird noise. And when you're done, you don't want to say something cringeworthy to leave your partner with a bad impression.

Well, you're about to learn what to avoid. A Reddit user asked, "What's the most awkward thing to say after sex?" These are the 12 best responses.

1. "Hey nice! We got over 50k hits! Viewers loved it"

Well, better to go viral on YouTube than with an STD.

2. "You're about as good as your sister"

Competition is healthy.

3. "That'll do, pig. That'll do."

Everybody loves the 1995 comedy-drama Babe, right?

4. "Good try"

It's important to be supportive.

5. "I'm sorry"

It's also important to be honest.

6. "Thank you for letting me ejaculate inside you."

Women like when men are direct.

7. "And boom goes the dynamite"

Never gets old!

8. "Did you feel it? Did I get it in? When does the condom go on?"

There's no such thing as a bad question.

9. "Should I call an Uber now or"

Don't do it if it's surge pricing.

10. "Thanks mom, can we have KFC for dinner later?"

You gotta love your family.

11. "I had a guy whisper "Good mermaid" in my ear right after he came..."

Sounds fishy.

12. "How much do I owe you?"

You can put a price on love.

So, no matter how awkward it gets in the bedroom, be thankful you didn't say any of these things. And if you did say any of these things, it's not the worst thing that can happen during sex. The worst thing that could happen is a penis snapping...

Whilst everyone enjoys sex, you're not likely to have a good experience every time you do the deed. Depending on your choice of sexual partner, your mood and even what you've had to eat earlier, you could be resigning yourself to a rather disappointing sexual encounter. What makes this even worse is the expectations that us humans posit on our sexual partner. We all have our own criteria for what we find attractive, and in the majority of cases this can be pretty narrow. While some people prefer conventional paradigms of beauty, others have more niche expectations. A survey of 5,000 heterosexual adults conducted by the Australian jewellery firm, Forktip, helped clarify what exactly people find frustrating in a sexual partner, and it's enough to quash the hopeless romantic in anyone. Researchers asked participants about their sex lives and discovered what exactly men and women consider to be turnoffs. According to the survey, women's least favourite things in a male sexual partner are the following: "weird noises", penises which are "too small", premature ejaculation and changing position "too frequently". The answers that men gave, however, were decidedly more cosmetic. They took affront with women who they deemed to be "too loose", had breasts that were "too small" or a "lack of booty". They also specified that "too much noise" could be a major turnoff. Researchers also quizzed respondents about what could ruin a burgeoning sexual encounter. Participants stated that they're not likely to have a good time if they have sex whilst being hungry or hungover. They also said that they prefer to wait to have sex after visiting their family or their significant other's relatives. I mean, it makes sense. Forktip took the time to ask respondents a number of questions relating to their attitudes towards sex and relationships. A surprising amount of people seemed to be ashamed about the number of sexual partners they'd had with 79.2 per cent of women admitting to lying to their current boyfriend about the number of exes they had. For men, the number stood at a substantial 50 per cent. Researchers also delved into the future of sexual relations in this modern age. They asked participants whether they would consider replacing their significant other with a sex robot if the experience was more pleasurable and both men and women were more than willing to consider the possibility. 49.6 per cent of women said that they would give it a go and that number jumped to 71.3 per cent for men.

We've all been there. You're with the girl of your dreams, and you've done all the hard work. You've gone on the date, you've said the right words, you've invited her up for the nightcap, you've leaned in for the kiss. Now, the fun begins. Making your way to the bedroom, she shuts the door, clasps her hand to the top button, and before you know it, her clothes sit in a heap behind her and she stands before you, completely naked. Overcome with desire, you feel the need to say something, anything, to initiate the glorious lovemaking that is surely about to unfold. So, you say the first thing that comes to your head. "Lukewarm cinnamon-flavoured oatmeal." Sadly, it is the wrong thing. Dirty talk can be pretty... hard, but with the help of some sex therapists, let's take a look at how you can say the right thing every time. Here are nine words that'll drive a woman wild in the bedroom.

1. "Yes"

It might sound kind of redundant, but DeAnna Lorraine, a dating coach based in Los Angeles, says that showing certainty and decisiveness can be the key to unlocking your lady's arousal. "When a man speaks like that—‘yes’ or ‘absolutely’—it shows that certainty." She continued: "If she lets out a moan and you say, ‘yes,’ it gives her permission to go even deeper into her pleasure. It helps her let go."

2. "Tight"

Once you're actually inside there, "tight" is a really good word for saying to your love partner: "I am very much enjoying this sexual intercourse. It arouses me greatly." Lorraine says this is a very powerful word, and does a great job of making a woman feel "virgin-esque" to her man. "It’s assurance that she’s making her man feel good and he’s aroused."

3. "Wet"

For a guy, it's pretty difficult to hide the fact that you're turned on. The second blood flows to the right places, there's a fleshy signpost saying so right there in your pants, but for women, the process of arousal is a bit more complicated. It might sound a little weird to turn your lover on by accusing her of already being turned on, but that's exactly what Jaiya, a sex educator, suggests, saying: "the brain sometimes doesn’t know the difference between what is real and what isn’t. When you tell a woman, ‘You’re getting so wet,’ her body will respond."

4. Her name

Saying your lover's name in bed is clearly better than saying, for example, the name of the parakeet you owned when you were eight years old, but Lorraine describes female arousal as "narcissistic", so why not play into that a little bit? "Hearing her name makes her feel special. It’s about her, like, you’re the irresistible one. You’re the one with the magic hoo-hoo. It’s not about someone random."

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5. "You"

Anybody can be turned on, but I'm sure your partner will feel a lot better if she knows that she's the one making you feel good in all the right places. "She wants to know that there’s something about her that is arousing to you," reveals Arlene Goldman Ph.D., a sex therapist in Philadelphia, while Jaiya agrees, saying: "Tell her how she’s affecting you. That lets a woman know she is desired."

6. "C**k"

At some point in the act of dirty talk, you're going to have to reference your penis in some way, shape or form. When that time comes, you'll be tempted to use the scientific nomenclature, or christen your penis with some ridiculous creative name, but instead of asking if the S.S. Loveboat can make its way to port, Jaiya suggests using the word "c**k" to turn your woman on the most. "Dick is more derogatory, like, ‘He’s a dick,’ or it’s a joke word," she muses. "But c**k is very strong and masculine."

7. "Need"

Tapping into your love partner's feelings of desire is of course integral to a mutually pleasurable experience, and in a way, the best way to get your significant other to feel that desire is to express your own. “We want to know you’re going crazy for us,” Lorraine says, and if you don't believe her, why don't you try it out? Say to your girl: "I need you right now," and see what happens. It's also the only time you should ever quote Kanye West while in the bedroom.

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8. "Come"

Obviously, the way you want it to mean is spelled differently, but it'll make literally no difference when you say it out loud. Similar to how telling a girl that she's wet can help her to actually be wet, Jaiya says that by playing with orgasm control (for example, telling your lover: "You’re not allowed to come"), you can play with a power dynamic, and that "can be really hot". This is also backed up in a study from the journal Sexuality & Culture, which says that "come" is the only word in the English language "simultaneously conveys desire, pleasure, orgasm, and loss of control."

9. "Love"

Now, if you're not actually in love with the woman in question here, it wouldn't be great to say that you in fact do love them, but by saying that you love their body, or the way they move, you can really make her happy in the best possible way. "The connotation of ‘love’ is intense and special," says Arlene Goldman, and we're inclined to agree. "’I like the way you look’ is lukewarm, but ‘I love the way you look’ sounds very positive and passionate."

Well, there you have it, my filthy-mouthed friends. Talking dirty can sometimes be a bit intimidating, but with this list in mind and a little bit of confidence, you can improve your sex life with little more than the words coming out of your mouth. Isn't that neat?

Women say men are confusing and men say women are confusing - that's a fact of life. But there is one thing in life that both sexes enjoy and it should be very simple: Sex. Like food, sex is the mutual ground where both men and women can get fulfilment. But too many of us aren't enjoying our sex. Whether it's because you want to be more adventurous or you just don't get much pleasure out of it, a lot of people aren't enjoying the full riches that come with banging. But what can you do about it? Well luckily for us, men have shared 10 simple things that they want from sex. And in all honesty, it's not that difficult.

1. An orgasm

We'll start at the end, shall we? The end goal of sex is to have an orgasm. While it can be fun without one, an orgasm is what we're all here for. So, understandably men would like to blow their load during the lovemaking session. Think about it in simple terms: You wouldn't order a Domino's unless you wanted to have a pizza, so why bang without getting the end result?

2. Get into it 

Sex is a two-way-street and both of you should both be getting something out of it. Seeing as it's meant to be enjoyable for both partners, don't just lie there like an ironing board. Give it a bit of "Oomph" for god's sake! There's nothing more demoralising than getting down and dirty with someone while they just lie there looking disinterested. And if that is your method of banging, expect your partner to become best friends with their hands sooner rather than later.

3. Crank up the volume

One clear way to understand if your partner is getting some enjoyment out of what is going on between the sheets, is how much noise they are making. While no one is asking you to channel your inner Tina Turner, a bit of noise doesn't go unnoticed in the sack. Your vocal cords allow your S/O to understand if they're doing the right thing or not, so it's pretty important. Besides, who wants to bang in complete silence? That's just way too weird.

4. Foreplay

Think of sex as a roller coaster for one minute. The best part of a roller coaster is the ascent before the drop. You know the bit I'm talking about; your carriage slowly climbs up to the top of the slope, the tensions builds in your body as you anticipate the exhilarating conclusion that you are about to experience, and then suddenly it drops. Foreplay is the ascent. It's a key component in sex and helps build up the anticipation before you finally get down to the full monty.

5. Lumos! (turn the lights on)

Get those bloody lights on! While sex is also about the physical feelings of enjoyment, it's also meant to be a visual experience. If you're partner is attracted to you, it's likely that they will want to watch you enjoy yourself due to their actions. Not only will it make them feel good about their performance, but it takes away the risks of smacking heads and body parts that can occur in the dark.

6. Talk dirty to me

Conversation is key during sex. I'm not talking about a "hello, how was your day?" sort of chat. More along the lines of telling each other how good they feel etc. If you're on the receiving end of the bang, let them know that they're doing well (don't literally say "you're doing well", be a bit more risque). If you're more of a giver, ask them if it feels good, although you do run the risk of them saying "no".

7. Communication

Communication is different to conversation. Conversation is more about dirty talk and making each other's egos inflate a bit. Communication is more about making sure you're getting what you want from the act. If you want them to go down, signal it. You're meant to enjoy sex just as much as your partner, so don't be afraid to ask for what you want or to try new things.

8. The spice of life

No, I'm not talking about paprika. Although the orange powder is brilliant in terms of forming the basis of the majority of all enjoyable meals. I am, of course, talking about variety. Much like it's edible counterpart, variety forms a solid basing for you life in the bed (rather than the plate). If you feel like you're getting bored of your lovemaking, try something new. Doing the same thing everyday is monotonous and if there's one thing sex isn't meant to be, it's boring.

9. Teamwork makes the dream work

As mentioned earlier, sex involves two people (or more, I see you kinky little devils!) uniting and smashing their bodies together until it feels good. It's a team effort, and as much as you want to get your fill of the good times, you're also there to fulfil the needs of your partner. If they're tiring from being on top for too long, switch the position. If they've come home from a long day's work and have no energy, take control. It's not just take, take, take - sometimes you have to give, give, give.

10. A rest

Sleeping after sex is the best. Simple.

Well there you go: 10 simple things you can do to make sex more enjoyable. While these tips were shared by men, they can be applied to all forms of relationship. Now go out there and enjoy yourselves!